I'm From Ethiopia! What?

It's been a while, but let's skip the "where have you been?" and the "I know you don't have anything better to do with your time other than write hilarious anecdotes about your mom and your vagina." I have some blog worthy stories for my 12 followers and I think I need to enrich your lives by sharing the many splendors of my life.

Splendors:

1. I celebrated the Super Bowl this year. That's a big deal. Why? Homegurl knows football like the back of her hand. I AM SORRY BUT NOBODY KNOWS THE BACK OF THEIR STUPID HAND, SO I AM CHANGING THE MEANING OF THE STUPID SAYING . I celebrated by going to a private SuperBowl-ing party. When I party, I party like a Golden Girl. ANYWAY, let's cut to the chase, they had free alcohol. I like free so much that I would make out with it. I did make out with it. Four hours later, this happened:

Me: Omg, I love your accent. Where are you from?

Cab Driver: Ethiopia.

Me: GET OUT OF TOWN! Me too!

Cab Driver: No you're not.

Me: You're right...my mom is. 

Who's the most offensive person in the car? THIS GIRL. Why did I tell the cab driver I was from Ethiopia? Because the History Channel once told me that the original Jews are from Ethiopia and the history channel must be quoted in life. Free alcohol makes me smart. Later that evening I threw up into my silver trash can. Free alcohol makes me classy sick. Brush off these shoulders because I see a little dust.

2. I recently turned 28, which means that I am more mature because I have more wrinkles and less baby eggs. It's science. I celebrated maturity with sake bombs and other beverages that I no longer recall. I then celebrated maturity by handing out my business card to two cab drivers and a bartender with the preface "you guys get into a lot of accidents and they are usually your fault, I'll fight for you." Finally, I celebrated maturity by making out with two different men, on the same night, on different dance floors. Different dance floors is exactly like the zip code rule. Right? Again, it's science. The good thing is that this was very out of character; the bad thing is that I happen to remember everything.

Quotes of the evening:

Me: I'M A COUGAR.

Me: I am not sorry for making out with someone else. IT'S MY BIRTHDAY AND I'M NEVER SLUTTY.

Let's just end it here for now. Also, I only said vagina once in this post, well, twice now, so let's end this on a high note.