The Reason You Will Be Gonnorrhea In Your Second Life

Have you seen it? Have you? Those goddamn Old Navy commercials with the wannabe pop stars who sing about how their vagina hugging jeans got them out of a speeding ticket? They induce a fiery rage within me and the only thing I want to do is find the doucheholes who thought of this dildo of an idea and throw a giant diaper at their face. Not at their chest. At their bare face and I hope it gets in their mouth.

I wish I was a lawyer already, so I could sue the crap out of Old Navy for sucking. Assholes. See link below:


This Makes Me Pee Blood

Playa's Gonna Play, J-Dater's Gonna Hate

Mindel has left the wild and created a J-Date account. J-Date is the Jew version of Match.com, for you goys out there who are unfamiliar. That's right. After 24 years of being single (with a whole lot of young shmucky boyfriends in between), mamacita is ready to find some Jew love.

Basically, Mindel pays a monthly membership fee and I get stuck searching for potential booty candidates...ahem...I mean boyfriends. Gross. Why? Well, she still hasn't figured out this whole internet fad and adds ".com" to every term she searches on Google. So, I have to reply to the e-mails, review the profiles, and find someone who doesn't look like Charles Manson. Move over Patti Stanger, a new matchmaking bitch is in town. Don't make me snap my fingers in a J formation.

After a lot of filtering, my mom (I) exchanged numbers with a little hottiepotottie. Here is how their first and last conversation went:

Jew Man: Hi.
Mindel: Hi.
Jew Man: So, if I can't see you for a couple of days, would you have phone sex with me?
Mindel: Are you fucking kidding me?

Fine. There was some more conversation in between all of that, but, I mean, that's the only part that really matters. Of course, I get the angry phone call from mom, "Who the hell are you setting me up with?!" Ummm, we'll gettem next time slugger?

P.S. I know you are so stoked that Mindel joined J-Date because now you get to hear about all of her hot messes.

What A Drag

It's been soooooooooooo looooong, bay-bay. Come give mama some suga. Preferably a pie. Homegurl was on her deathbed for the past two weeks, aka, I had the flu and watched two seasons of Ugly Betty in bed. My room smells like a diaper.

On a positive note, I had a lot of thinking time and with this thinking time I had some life altering revelations: What man would play me (in drag of course) in my life story??? 

3. Peter Falk - He's odd and he probably smells weird. Basically, me in a nutshell.

Oooooh, look how cute I am when I'm confused. Tee hee hee.

  2. Tom Selleck- Magnum P.I. gots the stache and my chest hair would keep me warm in public bathrooms (they're always so unnecessarily cold). 

1. Christopher Walken - Homeboy is the most awkward old man ever. So, me with a wiener in 50yrs.

Oh-muh-gawd. He's already preparing for the role. Walken love for reals.

BooBee. The One That Stings.

You should remember this because you are obsessed with me. For reals. But, in case you don't, here's the link Bee Problem and a brief explanation. I attract bees and due to this Charlie Sheen-esque bad problem homegurl bee lookin like a fool half the time.

I thought this issue could not get any worse than having beehives outside of my window, but apparently it can and it did.

Me: Doin ma thang in the shower. Washin ma hair and obsessively shaving my aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarmpits.
You: A bee, checkin me out in the shower.

WHAT?! Yes, there was a bee in my shower. WTF, Bee? Can't a girl getta little bit of privacy? Well, we all know what happened after that. I screamed, the bee buzzed, I ran out of the shower, the bee stayed in, I stubbed my toe, then I aimed the shower head at the bee and yeah. Sorry bee, but my body doesn't want to be sexually assaulted by you.