January Is A Karma Test. Don't Screw Up.

It's a new year. Time to resolve all those pesky problems that plagued you last year: weight, alcohol intake (wine counts. Your teeth should not look like you made out with Grimace... everyday), and the weird nail on your pinky toe that you should probably have a doctor look at. All of these "issues" can magically float away into the mystical universe because a new calendar means your slate is CLEAN.

However, karma is a naughty minx and will creep up on you like a dirty old man on the bus. That's not a hand groping your butt, it's karma. I strongly believe that the month of January is a test and if you fail that test, God will cut you. Theoretically. Are you truly grasping my point? Let's use my life as an example, per the usual:

Yesterday was a beautiful day; it looked like a Lisa Frank sticker. Everything was going swell. Got to spend the day in the sun and then spend my evening with Rachel. As I was leaving to meet Rachel, my mom asked me to help her fix the vaccuum cleaner (because I am 12 and I live with my mom. Turns out this whole lawyer business is not as lucrative as we thought it would be. #liesmyjewishmothertoldme). However, I was in a hurry, so I told Mindel "later."

Fast forward to 7:30p.m. meeting Rachel at restaurant and being in aw of her brand new Lexus: 

Me: No. Bullshit. You told me you were getting a Kia you butthead. (I now exit my vehicle, purse in hand, drooling at the sight of her car.)
Rachel: You have to see how I unlock it. LOOK.
Me: I'm happy for you, but I think I equally hate you too.
Rachel: Oh, Lauren, you are the funniest person I know. (She may or may not have said this.)
Me: Okay. Let's eat. Your car is making me nauseous. Your car is still on...or does the devil car also turn itself off?
Rachel: My car is not on.
Me: Oh. That's my car. With the keys in the ignition. Locked.

Karma just cut a bitch.

Like my professional image of Karma cutting me? I have mastered Microsoft Paint...and the 90's. Obvi.

April Suck It Fool

Why I hate today:

2005

Doctor Ovary Face: Well, looks like you have crabs.
Me: WHAT?! I thought you have to have sex to get that...my mom's going to kill me.
Doctor Ovary Face: April Fools!
Me: I hate your dirty doctor face.

1989

Grandma: Michael Jackson is a woman.
Me: Really? I thought so.
Grandma: Yep.
(two years later)
Grandma: April fools!

Definitely explains why I had friend instead of friends.

2008

Boss: We need you to come in at 5am tomorrow?
Me: April Fools!
Boss: Huh?
Me: April fools?!
Boss: No.

This holiday sucks a fatty because I will believe anything you tell me and will get beyond excited about it. But, I like to think of this as an endearing quality because it just shows how much faith I have in people. Right? Right? JUST GO WITH IT.

Happy Baaaaaaaah-day!

Why couldn't the shepherd see?

Because he didn't have a lamb-p!

Yes. I wrote this. On my birfday. Creative birfday girl say whaaaaaaaaaaa?! Popsicle gonna be ALL up in my business.

Aging With Grace

How do you know that you are getting older? You start laughing so hard at one of YOUR own jokes and you pee your pants. Well, not a lot. But just enough to make you embarrassed by the fact that you are even posting this on the web.

Fancy pants.

P.S. Remind me to tell you about that time I legitimately peed ma pants when I was above the age of 5 and below the age of 20.

Can I Get an Oy Vay?

I am going to Palm Springs this weekend. Yom Kippur is this weekend too. That means I will be repenting for the holiday, in the desert...like a real Jew. Holla!

On another note, my mom has joined facebook. Yep. The same woman who publicly announced my boobs are like melons and told my ex-bf how Rabbis have sex. Goodbye, dignity.

Happy Jew Year!

Being Jewish is awesome. Why? Well, I love playing into stereotypes.

Stereotype 1: Jew's are "penny pinchers."

I am not stingy. I enjoy the occasional heads-up penny, lying on the ground, begging for some action. BUT, when it comes to enjoying my money (loans) rather than saving my money (loans), I prefer going for broke. Fortunately, I can use my Jewstus (Status as a Jew, and yes, I will be creating numersous words out of Jew throughout this blog. Holla.) to get me out of any financial predicament I do not want to be in.

Friend: Lauren, let's go out to the bars tonight!
Me (need to do hw but don't want to sound nerdy): Oooooh. Sorry. I'm Jewish. I need to save my money.

Stereotype 2: Jew's could guilt trip a nun if they wanted to.

Okay, this is not a stereotype. Jew's are over-qualified guilt trippers. I feel guilty about 99% of the actions I have taken in life because of guilt tripping. Don't feel bad. My mom tells me she is proud of me and that she loves me everyday but what would a compliment be without a little guilt?

Mom: I am so proud of you, Lauren. You have accomplished so much.
Me: Thank you, mommy. I was in the library for 5 hours today. I am going to go out tonight with friends...
Mom: Lauren! Really? You have so much money in loans and you are going to go spend it on alcohol. I worked so hard to make sure you got a decent education...

See how she flipped that around? I was the one with the stressful day and now she's the one who is stressed. The worst part of this "gift" is that you are not born with it; you acquire the skill over time...probably from the relentless nagging of your mother. I do know one thing, though. Once I have this whole guilt tripping thing down, the judge doesn't have a chance in hell.

There are other stereotypes, but I am in the library and I am just imagining Mindel's opinion of blogging during working hours. She doesn't even need to be here to guilt trip. So, HAPPY JEW YEAR!

America. Way Better than Korea.

Fireworks in the nightime and jean cut-offs on whitetrash...these are a few of my favorite things! You were supposed to sing that like Julie Andrews, WHO, BY THE WAY, was the original Justin Bieber. Compare and contrast the following:

You totally see it. Anywho, fireworks and jean cut-offs means it's 4th of July and that means I have an excuse to be my trashy self. This year my dumb BFF and her BF and his BF came down to SD to visit me. That was so much fun and I am not even going to translate it. Stop being annoyed by me and get with the lingo.

The whole weekend was filled with amazingness but the most amazing of all the days was the 4th. Why? Well, it could be the disgustingly inebriated girl in a bikini who dropped her sandwich roll on the pee infested sidewalk of downtown San Diego and just HAD TO bend over to get it. "WHAT THE FUCK?" Yep. That was Jon's very suttle reaction. At least the attention was no longer on her exposed bottom and instead focused on drunk Jon in the middle of the street laughing at the hot mess. Later that evening Jon would outdo himself by stealing two slices of pizza from Ciro's: "Who leaves pizza just sitting on the counter? I had to eat them." Poor drunk people who are still yearning for their greasy carbs.

Another possible reason why the day was so amazing could be my last trip to the restroom that evening. The fireworks were over. Danielle and I had to pee the litre of alcohol we just drank. So, we entered the fancy Hyatt Regency. We were about to enter the restroom when a 30 something woman came running out of the bathroom with her blonde crimped hair and American flag shirt. "I'M NOT PREGNANT!!!" Wait. Excuse me. "THE TEST CAME OUT NEGATIVE." Ahem. What? "I LOVE YOU, BABY (jumps into hubby's arms)!" Really? I mean, really? Did you really just take a pregnancy test, in a hotel bathroom, on the 4th of July? Yes. Yes, you did.

Too bad she wasn't preggers. She could have had a themed baby. Frat boy Jon style ;)

What Would Moses Do?

No bread for a week. Whatevs. I like fruit and meat more, bitches. What gets me is that incredibly annoying feeling of not being allowed to eat something. You know? Like the bread is standing in a corner going "Neener, neener, neener!" Yep. Exactly like the photo on the left.

Nonetheless, Passover is quite possibly the best holiday ever. Moses is awesome and the story of Passover is uh-mazing. Hello?! A man parted a sea and dished out hella plagues. Balla. Every time I think of Moses, I think of a Jewish Rambo with robes. C'mon, take a second. Ding. Oh yeah, you totally see it now. All I know is that if I ever crossed paths with him, I would not want to get on his bad side. I would also ask for a picture, so I could put it on my fridge.

Most awesome part about Passover is the celebration. Get 10 Jews in a room, throw in a pound of brisket, Matzah, and family drama...you get the Jewish version of Jersey Shore. Everyone is stuffing their face like they were feeding Octomom. Seconds are for wimps. Sixths equals status. Then there is the "Find the Missing Matzah" bit. Doesn't matter how old you are, you are push'n babies and Ghandi out of your way to be the one who finds that un-leavened piece of cardboard. Last, there are the family fights. It's always between a blood related family member and the goy that someone in the family married. The best part is that you never have to be a part of it. You can just sit back, watch the show, and then talk about it later pretending you were the neutral aspect that ended the fight. Jews love taking credit where it doesn't belong. Retract that statement. Jews in my family love taking credit where it doesn't belong. So, on behalf of my fellow Jews, Happy Passover, Bitches.