Can I Get a Slice of Douche?

Pizza has become soooooooooooooooo boring. The cheese, the tomato, the bread...I mean, it is the prude of food. Pizza needs to remove that promise ring and create a new slutty image. That new pizza whore is Ed Hardy.

Wait. Wannabe douchey pizza say whaaaaaat?

You huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurd me. Ed. Hardy. All over your face. A San Francisco pizzerria is now making pizza that just might buy you a drink, roofie you, and leave a trail of rhinestones on your bedroom floor.  Exhibit A:


Mirror mirror on the wall,  who's the douchiest
 pizza box of them all?

Get it while it's hot brah, because the pizza box with a rhinestoned eagle on it is a limited edition. Whaaaaat? That means you only have 10,000 chances to get an STD from food.  THE HORROR.

BRB. Gotta Go Get Gay Married.

Fine, fine. I am not gay, but my mom has asked me if I am gay enough times to make me an honorary:

First time:

Me: I don’t want to wear heels.

Mom: Are you a lesbian?

Second Time:

Me: I love hockey.

Mom: You know…you can tell me if you’re gay.

Third Time:

Mom: (looking at a picture of my then boyfriend) So, you’re gay?

No, but for serious. I am completely perplexed as to how a member of the Ku Klux Klan has the right to express hate under our constitution, yet a gay person in the military cannot utilize those constitutional rights they are fighting to protect. Maybe it is that very legitimate fear that if you hang out with gay people, you will catch the gay bug and become gay too. Again. A completely legitimate fear. Kind of like, if you hang out with black people, you will probably become black. Right? Oh. Is that silly? Weird.

Thank God, U.S. District Courts are shedding their negative Nancy persona and making some intelligent decisions regarding equality. So far, Proposition 8 and the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” crapicy (Crap + Policy…Webster better not try to jock my style) have been found unconstitutional. Word to yo mutha! Of course, these judgments will be appealed, all the way to the mystical court of the supreme…the one with Scalia, not Diana Ross. Hopefully, the court will hear the cases. Also, let’s cross our fingers and hope that butthole Scalia doesn’t compare homosexuality to murder this time.

Ed Hardylicious

I hate stereotypes. I really do. But sometimes we have stereotypes for a reason and that reason is to help me decipher when a man is going to be a tool. Men that wear Ed Hardy fit perfectly into that mold. They are a walking Urban Dictionary definition: Ed Hardy - One who wears shirts with sequined tigers on it and thinks he is God's gift to sexy.

It might seem like I am complaining about Ed Hardy. Like I blaming him for all that is wrong with men. I am not. I would like to dedicate this blog to all that is Ed Hardy and THANK him for his gracious service to women all over the world. We are now able to skip the BS and we will no longer sit and wonder "Is he a nice guy?" or "Is he a douchebag?". Now, we can just look at the studded shirt and KNOW the answer to the questions that plague women during the dating phase.

So, here's to Ed Hardy. Thank you for making my life that much easier.