I Passed The Bar

*11/19/11 edit: I passed the Bar and when I found out I did pretty much everything but vomit. I cried, I shook like Jesus was remove-en the sin from muh body, I screamed, and then I bit my mom (I had to know the moment was real). Honestly one of the best feelings ever. I had convinced myself I failed and I would have to spend another 3 months studying and hating cute babies. That's right. Studying for the bar even makes babies suck (babies might also suck if you are 16 and Pregnant. See MTV.). Then, when I typed in my code and RED writing showed up, I thought I definitely failed. But, as it turns out, someone at the Office of the CA State Bar thought it would be a terrific idea to tell people they passed/failed in red writing. Yeah. Then my vision cleared, the clouds parted, yada yada yada, I bit my mom.

 

Sometimes Your Vagina Is Going To Burn

Evening of Day 7 - 

Michael: Everyone! Listen up! Okay. So, I have some advice for tomorrow. First, do not shave ANYTHING. You will burn. Second, MEN, I recommend that you wear a condom. Just trust me. Third, LADIES, I know it does not sound pleasant, but if you have vaseline, you should make good use of it and put it all over your lady parts.
Everyone Else: Ummm...

Afternoon of Day 8:

Michael: Do not throw that used condom at my face. Do not do it. I can't believe you just put a used condom on my face.

So, I guess all that is left to do is explain how we got from A (condoms and a vaseline hole) to B (used condom on the face). Birthright was showing us how to make Jewish babies. Obvi. Fine. That's not what happened. You can't make Jewish babies with condoms, unless you make a condom balloon baby (glad my name is officially linked with condom balloon baby). Turns out that Birthright or as I prefer to label us "Shnoz with a Cause" was making its way down to the Dead Sea. Fact: the dead see is the lowest point on earth.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Dead Sea, it is the saltiest sea on the planet. Meaning, hoes be floating:

Exhibit A: I am not holding myself up. Nor are my two watermelon colored children floaties for boobs holding me up, despite what it may look like. It's all salt. Sorry peppa, but it looks like you're the Jan Brady of this trip. 

Since the Dead Sea is the saltiest sea on the planet, there are certain precautions that must be taken to avoid injury, but mainly embarrassment. First and foremost, you must not shave. Shaving is like having an open cut waiting to get burned. And let's be honest, Jews aren't necessarily known for their lack of hair. That means a million burning open wounds. But, not shaving was common knowledge. What was not common knowledge was the vulnerability of those natural holes in our body.

Michael, our group leader, was kind enough to share some tips to avoid burning sensations that should only come with an STD or a fire in your pants. Men were told to wear condoms to avoid a salty stinging sensation in their flopper. Women were told to lube up with the container of Vaseline we brought to Israel. Right. Because when I pack for vacation I always remember to bring my Costco sized jar of Vaseline.

Well, Michael's advice caused quite a bit of commotion. The men did not know how they were going to keep a condom on their ding-dong if they weren't aroused. Okay, time to grow up: penis, penis, penis. See, I can use the real word. Now that that's over with. The men were stressing, but then they figured out that they were only floating in the water and not flopping around (pun intended). So, condom on the floppy ding-dong problem solved. Don't worry Israel, your Dead Sea won't have a bunch of used condom balloon babies floating around. Now for the whole Vaseline issue. Yeah, why don't you tell 25 girls to smother their vagina with petroleum jelly and see what kind of reaction you get. "Are you trying to give us a bladder infection?" Needless to say, we all learned a lot about each other that evening.

Despite the advice, I decided to skip the Vaseline facial and risk the burn. I tip-toed into the water because just like your "first time," moving slower will obviously protect the hoo hoo. This needs to be a song:

Girl if you forget to take it slow
you're probly gonna cry
cuz the stinging's gonna blow

I digress. About ten minutes later, my whole body was in the water, floating stiffly. As you can see above, I floated. As you can see below, my vagina was in immense salty burning pain:

Can you see the fake constrained smile? I am not pooping in the water. In between my gritted teeth I am saying "ow,ow,ow,ow,ow."

And that was my experience in the Dead Sea. But, the story is not over. Remember that little "do not throw that used condom at my face" incident. Well, turns out the whole "wear a condom and Vaseline your holes" was a practical joke, which no one knew of until it was too late. I guess one of the boys was not too happy about the practical joke. Hence, condom to the face. Michael sure is lucky a female did not get angry about the joke.

A Onsieless Wedding

Danielle and Jon, this post is dedicated to you, mainly because it was your wedding and it would be selfish to dedicate this post to pictures of me in onesies. Nonetheless, here's one for the road:

Me doing the robot in a onesie. Jeeeeaaaaaloooouuus.

Almost a month ago, I got to attend one of the most joyful, fun and creative weddings EVER. Caps means business. P.S. This is going to look more like your kindergarten reading assignment than an actual post. Sometimes life just needs to be a photo montage with a sentence. CUE MONTAGE.

Danielle (my witty/cat loving/maxi-pad wearing besty) and Jon (the practical/cat loving/converse but used to be NB wearing new addition to my extended non-Jewish family)

NB. Oh memories.

Check out the GIANT maxi pad she is wearing. I love the internet.

 married in a beautiful and heart warming ceremony on the beach.

That's what the ceremony looked like before the people arrived. Once the people arrived, it looked like this, but with people.

 I had the pleasure of helping Danielle make sure the day went smoothly. Meaning, I got to kick hippies off of the beach and be in complete awe of how beautiful she looked,

Beautiful right?

 and be impressed with how handsome the groom looked,

Eat your heart out, LOLCATZ.

 Even the sun thought they were really really good looking. Cue God music and parting clouds.

No wedding is complete without the sun taking siesta to give you perfect lighting.

Soon they were married and walking down the aisle to Taio Cruz. Fiiiiine, their recessional was Queen.

CUE THE DRINKING. I began mixing my champagne and wine like a booty-hoe in a rap video

which obviously helped me give the most awesome speech ever. Awkward body language? Check. Mention Danielle's crush on John Cusack? Check. Tie love into speech? Check. Someone take me to the bank because I got a lotta checks!

But then Cory gave his speech and wore his tight pants and of course he was way funnier...

you can tell by all the people who were laughing during his speech. It was like David Bowie was doing 15 minutes of heartwarming stand-up comedy. Jon, stop trying to one up me with your funny friends who look better than I do in pants . Thanks.

After the speeches, we got to dance. I personally forgot how to do the "look like an angry Stevie Wonder" dance. However, seems like Danielle is up to date. Let me know if you want to contact her about some lessons.

Jon and Danielle totally pulled off their first dance without looking like any blind singers

Soon the night was over, leaving the most beautiful day to our memories. But, thanks to these pictures, we will never forget the moment Jon and Danielle had a very deep political conversation about cupcakes. Typical.

Thank you Jon and Danielle for sharing such a special day. You are an inspiring couple.

It's Legit.

Guess what this little Jewish drummer girl did? Israel. Wait. No, I didn't do Israel, but I did take advantage of my Moses blood and go on an all expense paid 10 day trip to the motherland. Charlie Sheen's tiger blood may come with two schichsa goddesses, but my Moses blood comes with multiple rich menches who like to send impressionable young adults on free trips to Israel to facilitate the production of Jewish babies. Winning.

All silliness aside (yes, I can be serious...occasionally), this was the most influential and inspiring trip I have ever been on. Since there were so many emotions (ups, downs, and any other direction an escalator travels), I am breaking this vacation into multiple posts. The serious aspects will be respected and get its own post. Prepare yourself because it will lack awkward and reveal some of my other layers. That's right. Baby's got layers like a cake. Vanilla. The amusing and funny parts will get their own post as well (all I have to say is burning hoo-ha).

Sababa.

Momism: Calorie Counting Queen

While driving on Ventura Blvd. like a Tom Petty song:

Mom: So Cal Sushi...hmmm...we should try that one day.
Me: I'm down.
Mom: I wonder how they make it low cal...
Me: huh?
Mom: So Cal Sushi...do you think they use brown rice?
Me: Wait. What? Why do you think it's low calorie sushi? Wait...
Mom: So Cal?!
Me: Mom. So Cal means Southern California.
Mom: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Me: hahahahahahahaha! Thank you for that.