Momism: Pickle Woes

There has been this stench wafting from our refrigerator for days. I cannot explain it. It's like garlic and onion, mixed with mustard. But this house of two is a professional microwaving household. That means anything that contains garlic or onions is most likely not in our presence because that would require cooking...which we don't do. So, we are left with, a simple process of elimination. Here is my mom's process of elimination:

LAUREN, GODDAMMIT! IT'S THE FUCKING PICKLES.Those fucking pickles. Get them out of the goddamn fridge.

My mom has some pent up aggression towards pickles. I blame childhood. She also has an affinity for the words fuck and goddamn.

A Onsieless Wedding

Danielle and Jon, this post is dedicated to you, mainly because it was your wedding and it would be selfish to dedicate this post to pictures of me in onesies. Nonetheless, here's one for the road:

Me doing the robot in a onesie. Jeeeeaaaaaloooouuus.

Almost a month ago, I got to attend one of the most joyful, fun and creative weddings EVER. Caps means business. P.S. This is going to look more like your kindergarten reading assignment than an actual post. Sometimes life just needs to be a photo montage with a sentence. CUE MONTAGE.

Danielle (my witty/cat loving/maxi-pad wearing besty) and Jon (the practical/cat loving/converse but used to be NB wearing new addition to my extended non-Jewish family)

NB. Oh memories.

Check out the GIANT maxi pad she is wearing. I love the internet.

 married in a beautiful and heart warming ceremony on the beach.

That's what the ceremony looked like before the people arrived. Once the people arrived, it looked like this, but with people.

 I had the pleasure of helping Danielle make sure the day went smoothly. Meaning, I got to kick hippies off of the beach and be in complete awe of how beautiful she looked,

Beautiful right?

 and be impressed with how handsome the groom looked,

Eat your heart out, LOLCATZ.

 Even the sun thought they were really really good looking. Cue God music and parting clouds.

No wedding is complete without the sun taking siesta to give you perfect lighting.

Soon they were married and walking down the aisle to Taio Cruz. Fiiiiine, their recessional was Queen.

CUE THE DRINKING. I began mixing my champagne and wine like a booty-hoe in a rap video

which obviously helped me give the most awesome speech ever. Awkward body language? Check. Mention Danielle's crush on John Cusack? Check. Tie love into speech? Check. Someone take me to the bank because I got a lotta checks!

But then Cory gave his speech and wore his tight pants and of course he was way funnier...

you can tell by all the people who were laughing during his speech. It was like David Bowie was doing 15 minutes of heartwarming stand-up comedy. Jon, stop trying to one up me with your funny friends who look better than I do in pants . Thanks.

After the speeches, we got to dance. I personally forgot how to do the "look like an angry Stevie Wonder" dance. However, seems like Danielle is up to date. Let me know if you want to contact her about some lessons.

Jon and Danielle totally pulled off their first dance without looking like any blind singers

Soon the night was over, leaving the most beautiful day to our memories. But, thanks to these pictures, we will never forget the moment Jon and Danielle had a very deep political conversation about cupcakes. Typical.

Thank you Jon and Danielle for sharing such a special day. You are an inspiring couple.

Grandma Say Whaaaaat: Wizard of Oz Complex

My grandma was a 5'8, buxom Polish woman with boobs that could throw punches. No, really. I used to love buckling her bra because it had like 40 buckles... it was massive, but so were her boobies. I digress. So, besides my G-ma's awesome boobs, she knew how to tell a great story and LOVED to get a great laugh. Grandma Hela (Oh, you can bet I will be making hella slang references with her name...sorry Grams) usually got her laughs at another persons expense and that was always the most entertaining part. Thus, every once in a while I will dedicate a post to my Grandma Hela. You're Welcome.

Hela was my after school babysitter/my version of summer camp. Who needed to play with kids that crap their pants and pick their nose when I could eat mashed potatoes all day long while watching Bonanza? Exactly. In addition to watching awesome '70's reruns, Hela and I would also watch old Shirley Temple movies, which initiated this conversation:

Me: Grandma, when did movies change to color?
Hela: Well, a long time ago, all movies could only be in black and white...
Me: I know, but what about the Wizard of Oz? That movie is both.
Hela: Well, that movie changed it all. See, the whole world used to be black and white, which is why movies were not in color.
Me: Really? (said with wide eye innocence)
Hela: Of course! Then, when they were making the Wizard of Oz, the Wizard didn't like the black and white anymore because it wasn't pretty so he gave the world color.
Me: Ohhhh, so that's why all the old pictures of you and mommy are in black and white.
Hela: Yep.

That's the Wizard giving the the world color.

Now, if you know me, I am sure this story explains a lot about me. I didn't learn the truth until I was 7yrs old, when my mom started laughing at me and then got a worried look in her eyes. However, this really explains why my teachers, at the very religious school I attended, did not like me:

Religious Teachers: God made the world.
Me: Yes, but the Wizard gave it color!

Thanks for building character, Grandma.

Momism: Pretend Slutty Mama Say What?

My mom is a very untraditional mother. Hard as nails, but my best friend in the world. Since she is so offbeat, her advice tends to never come out properly. Hence, Momisms.

Me: (looking at an old pic of mama) Damn, mom. You were hot. Why don't I look like that now?

Mindel: Don't be ridiculous, Lauren. I was hot, wasn't I?

Me: Duh. Why'd you have to go marry a short, not so cute, Italian? You messed up my cute genes.

Mindel: You're pretty, Lauren, but you're as tall as a tree stump. I don't know how you are so short.

Me: Yeah, thanks. So, boys must have been all over you in high school. Did a bunch of boys like you because you were so hot?

Mindel: No. The boys liked me because they thought I was a really big slut.

Me: Um...

Mindel: Yeah. I had thin eyebrows and wore white lipstick, so they thought I would have sex with them.

Me: Oh...

Mindel: That's why I would never let you wear white lipstick. Too bad you have two watermelons for boobs...you're like jailbait.

Me: Thanks?

I Winona Ryder'd Your Story

This is a great story my cousin told me twice. I would also like to publicly warn Lifetime. Do not try to make a Lifetime original movie based on this story. Jessica, the clown, and I own all rights.

Jessica:

So, it was April Fool’s Day and the St. Stupid’s Day Parade was going on in the city. I was walking back to my office with my tacos. I got tacos for lunch. All of a sudden a stupid clown KICKED ME. THAT FUCKING CLOWN KICKED ME. I couldn’t believe it. I was so pissed. “You stupid fucking clown!” When I said that he ran a block away, looked back at me, and told me to go back to LA. What does that even mean?! “Fuck you clown!”

That clown almost made me drop my tacos. I would have been really pissed if I dropped my tacos.

The End

Moral of Jessica’s Story: Don’t make homegirl drop her tacos.

When I Was 25...

So, what’d you do this weekend shoog-uh?

Oh. You know. The usual. I got all crunk and stuff with ma ladies, Cindy and Samantha. We traded in our Cabbage Patch dolls for some pre-teen fun that would make Miley Cyrus jealous.

Really?

Uh, duh. First stop, yogurt land in my mini dress. The yogurt guy was all like “what flava you want?” and I was all like “Pffft. I want three. It’s self serve, donkey. Don’t act like you haven’t seen me here 5 times in the past 3 days.” Then he was all like “whoa.” Then I was like “Don’t mess with me on a Friday night fool.” Then I walked to the yogurt machine with a little Jive. Riveting material here.

Once I filled my cup with yogurt, I moseyed on over to the toppings bar. I stared yogurt man right in the eye and loaded my cup with GRANOLA. He was like “you can’t have all those toppings.” Then I was all like “SAY HELLO TO MY LACTOSE FRIEND!” and I threw the cup of yogurt in his face.

Okay. That didn’t happen at all. I paid for my yogurt and then inhaled it. I just like to pretend I have these awesome conversations with the yogurt man because I am in there so often that I am able to read his judgmental face that says “Why you eatin so much yogurt?” Well, because, IT HAS BACTERIA THAT IS REALLY GOOD FOR MY LADY PARTS... also, I love the new chocolate coconut mint flavor. It tastes like a Mounds Bar.

After Cindy and Samantha finished telling me the story about shaving their friends neck (neck hair + yogurt = best topping ever) we decided to turn our G-rated fun up a notch. Oh, be ready for this. We went to a bar. Where they serve alcohol. And have customers older than 9. Back-off Disney evening, we are going straight to ABC Family.

Waitress: What can I get you ladies?

Samantha: Do you guys have water?

Waitress: Um. Yeah...

Me: Ooooooh! I am so thirsty. Can we get three waters?

Waitress: (really annoyed) would you like anything else?

Cindy: STEAK FRIES?!

Samantha, Cindy, and I: YEAH! STEAK FRIES!

Waitress: Ugh. I'll be back with your water and fries.

Oh. I can tell you're worried. Please, don't be. We asked for the ketchup and vinegar when the waitress brought us our fries and waters. Phew! I know you're relieved.

My Family's So Cool, They Make Chuck Norris Look Lame

So, this past weekend, I went back to LA to celebrate my cousins' graduations and my aunt's birthday. Now, for some people, visiting family is about as fun as being forced to watch Glitter on repeat. Sorry, Mariah Carey. Please don't order Nick Cannon to beat me up. Shudder. But, visiting my family is like eating the giant pickle in Disneyland. That's right. AWESOME. Even though they dedicated 8.5 hours of the 24 hours I was visiting to making fun of my blog...

Samantha: Did you hear Lauren has a blog?

Rest of Family: WHAT? Really? Who are you? Why are you so lame?

Samantha: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Lauren's so dumb.

Me: You're related to me. Burn.

We are possibly the most embarrassing bunch of kids to be around but that is the best part. The brisket(meat) of my family is a spit ball fight in a restaurant, Uncle Ben offending someone, Aunt Sara telling a funny story about growing up in Canadian Harlem, or Aunt Carmela doing the chicken dance (you think you know, but you have no idea until you see it).

Then, there's my mom. Mindel deserves a whole blog post, but I will leave you with this little sample platter (Microwavable, of course). My mom is a beauty freak. Yes, she's gorgeous, but I am not referring to that. I am referring to the fact that at every single family function she is doing something that should be done in a salon and not at a Hanuka dinner party. Glue-on nails. Check. Wax legs. Check. Can I getta M.C. Hammer dance? Hammer time.

Next, we have my cousins. No. Not my cousins. To me, they are my sisters and brother from another, blood related, mother. They are my sanity and insanity all rolled in one. Like a Jelly donut. Ewww. I don't like donuts. Like a Pb&J sandwich. Mmmmmm. Samantha, Jessica, Ashlee and Jimmy. Here are the basics:

1. Jessica thinks she is a vampire. Oh, are you confused? Jessica LITERALLY thinks she is a vampire. I remember this one time we were walking and she was hoping a vampire would jump out of the bushes and turn her. Jessica then changed her mind because she thought her features would remain the same FOREVER, and she did not want to be a vampire with short hair. Wannabe vampire gots to get her priorities in line.


2. Samantha is my eyebrow twin and she bites. She just bites randomly. She was also OBSESSED with David Boreanaz and Drew Lachey. That's right. Angel and the poor man's Nick Lachey. She had a whole notebook with a marble cover DEDICATED to Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I am laughing so hard right now.


3. Ashlee is the baby sister. Always the artistic one who loved the weirdest crap ever. Muffy bears, porcelain dolls, furbies, and that God awful Tickle-Me-Elmo. But above all of her crazy toys, Ashlee loved her Binky. Binky? Her pacifier. That child sucked on that thing until she was 7 and after that she would have to tap her lip to fall asleep. Word.


4. Jimmy. Notice how all the other names are female. Yep. Poor little Jimmy. He got his nails painted, was forced to play Barbie, and was then excluded from playing Barbie. Barbie was always found with her head missing when he was excluded. Can you say Henry VIII? My favorite was when we would play Pretty Pretty Princess. That kid would ALWAYS win. He was always the Princess. I'm still jealous.

So, Chuck Norris. You can suck it.