In A Pickle

No, not literally. That would never ever happen, because I would eat myself out of the pickle. Take that pickle. I am in a job pickle. But wait Lauren, how can that be when you have been such a success at every job you have had and you graduated law school? Well, let me explain:

I AM OVERQUALIFIED.

Yes, it is true. I am overqualified to work. At least that's what three out of four employers have told me.

Employer #1: You know after looking at your resume, your qualifications exceed the highest position I can offer you...
Me: Ummm...thanks? So, are you going to hire me?
Employer #1: I'm sorry, but you're too much of  a risk.
Me: Your outfit is too much of a risk. (I didn't really say that, but I should have. Who the hell wears jean on jean and is actually serious about it? Exactly.)

Employer #2: Wow, your resume is quite impressive.
Me: Thank you. I really tried to be a well-rounded law student.
Employer #2: Unfortunately, you just seem too qualified for this position...how do I explain it...a flight risk.
Me: Right. Yeah, someone who is unqualified for the job will probably be a better fit. Dildo. (I didn't say any of this either, but my imagination did. Imagination burn.)

Employer #3: I'm sorry but I just think we are looking for someone with less experience. But don't worry, you are a very intelligent and pretty girl and you'll find something.
Me: Are you fucking serious?

I will not write the dialogue from employer #4 because that was an Armenian nightmare. No, I am not racist. But the attorney interviewed 75 people that day and the 15 that were in my group were all Armenian. Do you even know how much my whiter than white self stuck out? Second, I could hear every single interview (I was the last one to go) "Oh, what Armenian organizations are you a part of? You speak Armenian? Perfect!) Really?! Spanish I can understand, BUT ARMENIAN?

This is my life. So, basically, if you know ANYONE who wants to hire an overqualified curmudgeon in Los Angeles, let me know.

Awkward out.

I Would Like To Thank...

Football with a vagina. It's the EMMYS! I got my spicy cheetoes ready for 2 hours of pre-show and 3 hours of actual show. Yes, I do care what famous people wear to unimportant events because celebrities matter and I love the way they make me feel insecure. And anyway it's the Emmys, which means that there is at least one person that my family can honestly say I am better looking than...such as, Jimmy Kimmel.

Now for the important stuff: Who showed off their tatas best?

Tata score: 10. However, it looks like skittles are going to start shooting out of her chesticles. Fail Brooke. 

"Yes, I would like a cup of tea and a new butt plug." You're too pretty to look like my grandma's curtains. I mean, your goddamn name is MINKA. That even sounds pretty, unlike your boner killer dress.

I want to be you Rashida. Mostly because I want to be named Rashida, but also because your are gorgeous. 

I need to end here because these two make me want to make babies with both of them. Or I could just pretend to be your baby while you let me spoon both of you. Call me.

Dear Alcohol, Why You Gotta Do Me That Way?

At what point in my life did one shot of tequila turn into feeling like some dirty groper slipped me a roofie? Three drinks last night. Three drinks. Three drinks and I wake-up looking like Snookie after a bar fight and, well, just looking like Snookie in any shape or form is enough for you to send me a care package and a hug. 

College. Those were the days. The days when I could drink Popov Vodka mixed with Franzia boxed class and still have enough dignity to be one K-Fed away from a full-on Britney. I would wake up in a lawn chair, go on a jog to the dining hall, eat something that was probably meat but was supposed to be cereal and then do it all over again. My young liver deserved a box of chocolates and a bag of Funions. That's how I say thank you.

Present. These are the days God punishes me for all the white lies I told in my youth. Yes, Mom. I was the one who peed on the dining room floor because I could not make it to the bathroom in time...not the dog. What?!!! I was 4 and still learning bladder control. Gosh. The hangovers are just so bad. Absolutely awful. One drink or 15 drinks, it doesn't matter. It all leaves me with the same question and feeling the next morning: How the shit does that Betty Ford drop-out Lindsay do it??? Worst part is that I don't vomit. I love that word. It's like the adult version of puke. Probably how people know that I am not a minor...because I use adult words like vomit and vagina. Where was I? I got sidetracked. Oh yeah. I don't vomit, so all that alchy is just festering in my stomach with 5 microwaved quesadillas I somehow managed to eat.

Ugh, this computer screen is making me dizzy. I need cures. I wish the Golden Girls was on TV.

Poisoning My Friends and Burning Down Kitchens

Better than Brett Michaels

One thing on my Summer To Do List is to bake. Now, if you know me, this is a very risky and adventurous task. Might as well be jumping out of a plane. Growing up, breakfast came from McDonalds, lunch was made by the questionable lady at school who would lick her dentures every five seconds, and dinner was either Thai or some other delicious ethnic cuisine...like Del Taco. Point is, mama didn't cook.

My wonderful mother threw away ALL of our pots and pans when I was eight years old. Why? Well, Mindel (that's her name) felt that if we had no pots, no pans, and only food that was microwavable, she could never get roped in to cooking holiday meals. Something like this:

Aunt Carmela: Mindel, will you make your delicious casserole for Thanksgiving?

Mindel: Oh, sorry Carmela. I have no pots or pans.
Carmela(angry tone): You can buy the disposable ones from the market, Mindel.
Mindel(frustrated): My stove is broken.

That's right. Mama would use every excuse in the book to make sure she did not have to cook. Going as far as unplugging the stove if someone tried to catch her in her anti-Martha Stewart lies. Homegirl be straight trippin.

Ding! Now you get it. I AM doing something challenging. Totally going against my heritage. There is no cooking or baking gene in my body. I tried boiling eggs once. They exploded all over my kitchen and I had to repaint it. I baked cookies. They were the best weapon I ever had. Don't mess with me fool or my cooking will bitch slap you. So, I have undertaken this challenging task to make food that doesn't poison my friends or break walls. Thus far I have made:

Biscuits (a.k.a. Brett Michaels)- They were actually tasty. Sheenika, my law school boyfriend, ate like three. +1 for my soul.

Oatmeal Bars (a.k.a. Cancer Sticks)- Ummm, accidentally used the SPLENDA Brown Sugar...yeah. They tasted like cancer.

Cheddar Jalapeno Cornbread (a.k.a. Bobby Brown) - I know, right? Quite a task for a novice. Homegirl Ina Garten had that cornbrizzle on lock. Me, well, not so much. Ina is like Whitney Houston and I'm like Bobby Brown. She's got all the talent and I'm trying to steal the crazy bitches fame. The C-bread needed more cheese fo sho. Otherwise, not too bad.

If you have any recipe recommendations, let me know. I need some new weapons of mass destruction. Word to Mindel.

Studying is Killing Me, So I'm Making a List

Finals are rapidly approaching, rapidly meaning in one month, and I have the itch. The itch to do something other than study, such as plan. I love planning things because it gives me something to look forward to. I mean, spur of the moment is exciting, but it provides ZERO incentive to not gauge my eyes out. So, instead of sitting in the library thinking "I would rather be sitting on a beehive," I can think "In only one month I get to _______ ." Hence, here is my summer to do list:

1. Go camping memorial day weekend
2. Learn how to Salsa without looking incredibly white
3. Go to NY and be a complete and utter tourist
4. Use my wonderful Canon and take some freakn pictures
5. Go vegan for a week
6. Cook something new every two weeks
7. Throw an awesome themed party
8. Go to a Hockey game
9. Eat something I would never ever try if it weren't for my present library boredom
10. Go to as many baseball games possible
11. Read 5 magazines outside of my comfort zone
12. Go to a strip club
13. Become a certified Scuba diver
14. Go to the roller derby
15. See a movie in 3D
16. Make a family style dinner for friends
17. Sky dive
18. Go on a mini-roadtrip BY MYSELF
19. Become a Carney for a day and fly on a trapeze
20. Do not binge eat one thing. NOT ONE.
21. Go to a Play