The Reason You Will Be Gonnorrhea In Your Second Life

Have you seen it? Have you? Those goddamn Old Navy commercials with the wannabe pop stars who sing about how their vagina hugging jeans got them out of a speeding ticket? They induce a fiery rage within me and the only thing I want to do is find the doucheholes who thought of this dildo of an idea and throw a giant diaper at their face. Not at their chest. At their bare face and I hope it gets in their mouth.

I wish I was a lawyer already, so I could sue the crap out of Old Navy for sucking. Assholes. See link below:


This Makes Me Pee Blood

The Reason You Just Got Slapped...

is because you premise a story with FAKE horrible news, only to tell me the really good news.

Example:

Dumbass: I have herpes.
Unfortunate Girlfriend: WHAAAAAAAA? Oh, no. WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY VA-JAY-JAY?
Dumbass: Just kidding! Will you marry me?

I really don't know who thought it would be a good idea to make someone depressed before you tell them good news, but whoever it was, is a fartbucket. Extreme lows before extreme highs only work in certain situations, like when you are trying to make something really bad sound better:

Boyfriend: Sarah Palin is President.
Girlfriend: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Boyfriend: JK. I have herpes.
Girlfriend: Phew.

Word.

The Reason You Suck...

...is because you release grades at 4pm on a Friday afternoon. That means I can check grades and then:

• go drive my car off a cliff on the way home from work
• go to happy hour and have 10 too many puke-tini's
• start crying in the library

Thank you for providing me with so many wonderful options.

The Reason You Suck...

...is not because you are a vampire. I made a funny. No, the reason you suck is because there are three rows of cubicles. THREE ROWS. I am the only person sitting in this area. And YOU, Mr. gargantuan earphones, have decided to sit your 1992 looking self right next to me. Really? Who does that?

Obviously, the only reason I have such a big poblem with this situation is because this guy is wearing gigantic headphones. Pretty sure your 2006 Dell Inspiron does not make you a DJ, so there is no need to wear those melon sized headphones, Samantha Ronson.

The Reason I Want Stick Jalapenos in Your Nose is...

...you fart in the gym. I really want to know, and I mean REALLY REALLY WANT TO KNOW, why people think that it is socially acceptable to fart in public places. Excuse me Mr. "It's a natural occurrence and everybody does it!" Unless your butt is farting vanilla scented air, I really do not want to be trapped on the treadmill next to you while you toot so many "Silent but Deadlies" that the army is trying to recruit you.

It is one thing to be walking outside, in the open, with fresh air surrounding you, and let one loose. See, the difference here is that you are polluting FRESH air, which will eventually give your stale butt-air a big hug and then eat it for dinner. Thus, leaving my nostrils as happy as a Billy Ray Cyrus mullet. It is a whole different ballgame when you decide to release your toxic fumes in an enclosed area. Let me explain. When you fart inside, you are adding stale air to stale air.

Stale air + stale air = a butt load (or a butt empty) of stale air

This leaves my face looking like a pug because it is all scrunched up from the noxious fume (yes, noxious, because you are depleting the ozone layer one fart at a time) surrounding me. I can try to escape by switching treadmills. Oh. But wait. There's the raw egg in a baby diaper smell again. It has spread faster than the mustache trend.

So, PLEASE REMEMBER, it is NOT a natural occurrence and everybody does NOT do it.