The Dougie Can Suck It.

Google Images makes me feel better about my life.

 Once upon a time, I promised you a story about that time I peed my pants, and since I don't shy away from making a complete ass of myself, that time has come. Thus, the tale begins...

In my youth, I thought my bladder was superman. Meaning, I thought that I would never pee my pants. Yes, I did go to public school. Why do you ask? For some odd and overall dumb reason, I always tried not to go to the bathroom when I had to, just to test the waters. That was a good pun, now laugh. Anyway, this resulted in that first grade incident of me peeing on the alphabet carpet. But that was completely reasonable because I was getting used to my 6yr old lady parts and the letter Q pissed me off...literally.

However, you would think, and most likely hope, that by the age of 12 I had full control of my bladder. That would mean I was a normal 12yr old who was not developmentally challenged. Yeah, we all know this would be a complete misstatement of my youth. So, you are left with a somewhat challenged 12yr old girl who really had to pee and also had to take pookie (my awesome dog, not a crap) out for a walk. A smart person would have peed before walking the dog, but I chose to play the "how long can you hold it before you stain yo pants" game. By the time we were in front of my apartment building, I had to break into the most manic pee-pee dance. Imagine someone attempting to do the vertical snake, while holding their crotch Michael Jackson style. If I were any older I would have looked like a Ellen Degeneres dance segment (now you will notice how much her moves look like a pee pee dance). Worst of all, I lived in a neighborhood that was 90% old Russian ladies. Do you know what old Russian ladies do? They go for circular walks around the block with their flowered umbrellas and orthopedic shoes. I can't even tell you how many fashtinkina yentas walked around me whispering in Russian about the weird American girl touching herself in the middle of the street.

Then. It happened. I couldn't hold it any longer. You know when you have to pee so bad that you can't even move? My poor bladder was so overwhelmed that I couldn't even do the dance any longer. I had to stand in the middle of the sidewalk, one leg crossed over the other, while slightly bent over. But then,  I became determined "I am not peeing my pants in the middle of this sidewalk. Nope. I am not doing it." So, I ran. I ran as fast as I could up the stairs of the front of the building to my elevator. Little did I know, that when your bladder has gone numb from having to pee so bad, it just kinda comes out at that point. Yeah. I guess I started peeing my pants when I started running and was done by the time I made it to the elevator. Mom was really proud of me that day. Really proud.

Lesson Learned: Don't be dumb.

Boy Meets Chuck Norris

Waking up early on a weekend is a Kanye just interrupted my speech downer. Every weekend, my goal is to fulfill my Beauty Sleep obligation because Joan Rivers told me it's a necessity for natural beauty and we all know that Joan Rivers holds the key to youth. Ahem. So, waking up at 7am on a Saturday gets my 18th-century knickers in a twist. Mama likes her granny panties.

However, this Saturday was not a typical Saturday. There I am, trying to fall back asleep and cursing Octomom for having so many babies. Homegurl could use them like Pokemon trading cards. Jus sayin. It just wasn't working, so I turned on the boobtube.

Chuck Norris on a Bowflex. Hand me a cold one, Charlie Sheen, because I need to cool down. Holy lifetime infomercial. The man is like 78 yet he can pull a 200lb weight like it was Justin Bieber. Sorry Biebs, it's true. Then, for some disturbing reason, I decided to change channel. What. The. Cory. Matthews. Boy Meets World, aka, the show that made look like an asshole for 3 years of my life. That bangin crimpy hair Topanga Lawrence sported made me look like a white poodle. Why you gotta do me that way Tow-payn-ga?

Needless to say, I had ample entertainment for the next 4 hours. Off to the Golden Hoes!

Oh, Brandon Walsh!

Today is a very important day. Today is 90210 - Septermber 2, 2010 = 90210...like the show...for those of you whore (actually meant to write "who" but that was too awesome of a Freudian slip to delete) are kinda slow.

Any person who experienced the 90's has been affected by 90210...and Milli Vanilli, but we won't travel that dreadlocked road right now. Why do you think Eminem is a rapper? Pretty sure it's because Brian Austin Green serenaded us with his sweet, white boy beats at the Peach Pit Afterdark. Duh.

90210 tackled every topic your parents never wanted to discuss. Instead of the sex talk, watch Andrea suffer through teenage pregnancy. First, who the hell wants to be like Andrea? She looked like she was 40. Second, her husband was super creepy looking. I was just waiting for him to show Andy his collection of Troll dolls and cut her to pieces (in that order). Basically, that chick's life was enough to make me want to convert and become a nun. Sarah Palin didn't allow Bristol to watch 90210. Exactly.

So That's Why Child Labor is Illegal

I am crying in my little corner cubby because I just found out that my hero is a sham. This is almost as bad as that time I ran out of cheese and I didn't have my back-up bag-o-cheese like I usually do. So, you're probably wondering who this mysterious hero is. It is the Hot Piece Of Ass who quit her job on a series of white boards and e-mailed the pics to her boss and co-workers. LIE. Ummmm, homegurl did not do that. Ugh. Every time I think I have found someone cooler than me, they just have to go and ruin it.

(Just to let you know, Little Miss Dream killer, the acronym for Hot Piece Of Ass is not HOPA. Now you are just a DOPA...think about it)

Nonetheless, Dream killer got me thinking about the worst job I have ever had. Trust me there was some stiff competition for the #1 spot but one stood out like a nun in a mall: Gloria Jean's Coffee. Oh the glory days.

I started working at GJC at the ripe age of 17. I was so excited. Free coffee everyday and 20%-off the tin lunch pails I collected. I wouldn't be surprised if you had some major jealousy issues going on right now. Anywho, that rosy view created by my Jewish excitement over free/discounted goods was quickly removed. Why do you say that, Lauren?

Well, let's see. One of my co-workers, a round and bald gay man, we'll call him Floyd, liked to talk about his life. Floyd would chat me up daily. He would sit on the counter and eat and tell me stories. Oh. Did I mention that Floyd had dentures and would remove them to eat? So, gummy Floyd would tell me stories about him and his boyfriend. "Omg. My boyfriend is so controlling. But I love him so much. It's because he's huge. He's like 7'1. Do you know what that means? Yeah. It's like a horse. So good." Ummm. Excuse me? I'm sorry. I don't think my 17 year old ears heard you correctly. Did you just compare your big boyfriends ding-a-ling to a horse? Floyd was fired.

I would like to say that Floyd was the worst part. But he wasn't. The worst were the customers.

Pregnant Lady (frowning): Miss, I asked for decaf.

Me (smiling): Yes, ma'am. I made you a decaf.

Preggy McPreggerson: Um, well, THIS tastes like it has caffeine in it.

Me (smiling): (thinking: No shit Sherlock. Did you think it was going to taste like apple juice?) Don't worry ma'am, it's decaf.

Preggo My Eggo (scathing tone): Miss, I don't think you understand. I cannot have caffeine. I am pregnant.

Me (smiling): (thinking: Oh really? you mean you aren't hiding a toddler under your shirt?) I understand. I assure you it's decaf.

Preggy: Just give me a refund.

Whatever. At least I got food poisoning during one of my shifts and puked all over the floor. True story. That's right HOPA! Who's the winner now??? (vulgar Mc Hammer dance move)

Sometimes I Wonder Why I Don't Have A BF

Do you remember your first crush? I do. I mean I remember my first crush, not your first crush. That would be creepy. And hot.

Exhibit A: The Scarecrow

Who's that sexy man that lights my fire and then runs away from it? It's the Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz. Duh. I held a grudge against Dorothy for 2 years because of this brainless bag of straw. I thought that skipping, red slippered, ho-bag was trying to get all up in my business. I mean, the woman helped him get a brain! The only thing I could offer him was a Kraft single and a minute long serenade on my Casio. Hmmm. Wonder if that will work now?

Exhibit B: David Bowie in Labyrinth

HOLY FREAKING HOTNESS. There was something so wonderfully erotic about David Bowie in the Labyrinth. His spiky blonde hair, sharp pointed teeth, and large bulge (it was honestly disturbing) made me sing like a choir girl. When I first saw the movie I told my mom that I was going to marry Bowie. She then asked me if I was a lesbian. I was 5.

Exhibit C: Tom Selleck

Back-up, homegurl. Mind yo business and stop fantasizing about running yo fingers across my man's chest. I don't care if you have seen every episode of Magnum PI and own Mr. Baseball, I called dibs on this hunky piece of hairy man meat in 1989. Award for most mature crush by a 4 year old goes to MOI. I used to daydream about Tom's (yes, we are on a first name basis) manstache.

Best part, TS's Magnum double lived in my building. That's right. Ready to cry some real tears, drama club? He was almost as good as the real thing. I used to force my mom to take me to his apartment, so I could ask him to tell Tom that "I love him" and ask him if he would marry me...WHEN I TURNED 18. Gosh. I'm not gross.

Who was your first crush?

Under-WHAT?!

It was 1989 and I was looking all sassy in my polka-dot skirt, pink crunch socks, and my fly fanny pack. I was ready to take on the world with the outfit that made Dakota Fanning look like a punk. Unfortunately, I had some horrible opposition to wearing underwear. I really don’t know why, but I just felt like my carebear underoo’s would get in the way of my schoolyard crunking.

My hatred of underwear worried mama bear. Mindel saw my staunch opposition to my elementary chastity belt as a hint to teenage trouble. No underwear at the age of 4 meant I would be the less freckled version of Lindsay Lohan. Word. But, it really was not that complicated. I did not want to wear underwear because Mindel said I was supposed to and it acted as one more obstacle to my potty time. What can I say? I am half Italian, which means I AM INCREDIBLY LAZY. It’s in the genes.

Well, back to my skirt story. So, Mindel was all up in my business:

Mindel: Lauren, did you put on your underwear?
Me: (cross arms and stare-off)
Mindel: I told you to put on your underwear. The boys are going to think you are a slut.
Me: What’s a slut?
Mindel: A girl that doesn’t wear underwear, applies too much white lipstick, and shaves.
Me: I want to be a slut. Can I have lipstick?
Mindel: Fine. You don’t want to wear underwear. I am tired of fighting with you. You can learn your lesson the hard way.

What the heck, mom? Calling me a slut at the age of FOUR? Always trying to one-up Freud. Well, Mindel said I can learn my lesson and boy oh boy did I learn my lesson. It was time for recess and being as intelligent as I was I decided it was a good day to go on the Jungle Gym. WHY AM I SO DUMB? So, I climbed up the stupid spherical awesomeness. I still hadn’t Britney-ed anyone. Then I had the most genius idea of all: hang upside down. GASP.

Oh. Yeah. The gasp was not from me. The gasp was from my teacher. There were other reactions too. Like, Yosi, my schoolyard crush, who yelled “WHAT’S THAT?” He was referring to my whoo-whoo, in case you were wondering. Ms. Cookie, sat me down, explained the importance of underwear, and basically told me that my whoo-whoo scared everyone “Species” status.

Yeah. Underwear became my favorite item of clothing after that incident.

Inhaler's Were Cool, Right?

I should be doing my schoolwork, but I cannot get this giddy feeling of childhood out of my system. It feels like someone just let me loose on a batch of Pixi Stick straws. This happens every time I have to read or write for school...I let my mind wander off into the ever increasing distant memory of my childhood. You know, the simple days. When homework meant making sentences with weekly vocabulary words or expressing your present knowledge of a historical event through a diorama. Occasionally, I long for those days. I love the present and I thoroughly enjoy nesting in it, but sometimes it is so sweet to bask in the sugary memories of my peachy childhood. I was fascinated by everything and afraid of nothing. I had ridiculous aspirations and all I really wanted was a pink skirt and crimped hair. Here are some goodies that I can pull from my memory bank:

1. POGS!!! Yes, I had hundreds of pogs, as well as, the ridiculous accessories necessary for a praise worthy collection


2. Inhaler. No, I did not have asthma. No, I did not have an inhaler. Yes, I did pretend I had asthma and an inhaler. Why? Well, some of you may not remember the award-winner "Sidekicks," but that Johnathan Brandis/Chuck Norris karate movie MADE my childhood. And, if Johnathan Brandis had asthma in the movie, then I did in real life.


3. Pink skirt, puh-lease? The first memory I have of my mom getting angry with me is my memory of my 4th birthday. Every pre-schooler got to announce their birthday wish to the class on their birthday. On Feb. 23rd, it was my turn. I was so excited and on the way to school my mom asked me "what are you going to wish for, bubby?" Bubbling over with excitement, I told my mom I was going to wish for a pink skirt. Well, if you don't know what Jewish guilt is, here's a little lesson: "You are going to wish for a skirt? Lauren, I can't believe you. *shakes head* You are not even going to wish for your family's health. We love you so much, and you are going to pick a skirt over your family. You just really disappointed me." Hence, I wished for my family's health. My mom bought me the pink skirt, too.


4. Getting Kraft-y. I have always had a deep and well-rooted appreciation for cheese. My taste has been refined, of course, but when I was 5 I could down a package of Kraft singles in 20 minutes tops. Kraft singles was my joy and being such a sweet and endearing youngling, I loved to share my joy. Thus, every person who entered my home got a Kraft singles as a welcoming gift. You're Welcome.
5. Kerropi, Pochacco, or Hello Kitty? My preference was Pochacco. Confused? If you were a child from 1993 - 1997, then you're emotional state was determined by how many Sanrio goodies you owned. Sanrio made pencil boxes cool, pens fun, and birthday presents easy. Also, Sanrio helped me survive my adolescent crushes...he loved Kerroppi, so I expressed my interest through the purchase of a Kerroppi eraser, just for him.
6. Sprinklers. Pools were awesome, baths were fun, but the days I got to run through the sprinklers were priceless. There was something so exciting about running on the wet grass while water was shooting at me. Maybe the excitement sprung from the "rebel-like" qualities the activity held...I didn't always have to be in my swimsuit, I could be in school-clothes and SHOES! How awesome is that? Running through water with your clothes on!

I guess I sometimes long for my childhood because of the mystery it held, the excitement that was derived from the most miniscule of things, and the endless entertainment round pieces of cardboard could provide. I enjoyed every moment of my adventures and catastrophes. Now, I am happy that I get to enjoy them through memory :)