It was 1989 and I was looking all sassy in my polka-dot skirt, pink crunch socks, and my fly fanny pack. I was ready to take on the world with the outfit that made Dakota Fanning look like a punk. Unfortunately, I had some horrible opposition to wearing underwear. I really don’t know why, but I just felt like my carebear underoo’s would get in the way of my schoolyard crunking.
My hatred of underwear worried mama bear. Mindel saw my staunch opposition to my elementary chastity belt as a hint to teenage trouble. No underwear at the age of 4 meant I would be the less freckled version of Lindsay Lohan. Word. But, it really was not that complicated. I did not want to wear underwear because Mindel said I was supposed to and it acted as one more obstacle to my potty time. What can I say? I am half Italian, which means I AM INCREDIBLY LAZY. It’s in the genes.
Well, back to my skirt story. So, Mindel was all up in my business:
Mindel: Lauren, did you put on your underwear?
Me: (cross arms and stare-off)
Mindel: I told you to put on your underwear. The boys are going to think you are a slut.
Me: What’s a slut?
Mindel: A girl that doesn’t wear underwear, applies too much white lipstick, and shaves.
Me: I want to be a slut. Can I have lipstick?
Mindel: Fine. You don’t want to wear underwear. I am tired of fighting with you. You can learn your lesson the hard way.
What the heck, mom? Calling me a slut at the age of FOUR? Always trying to one-up Freud. Well, Mindel said I can learn my lesson and boy oh boy did I learn my lesson. It was time for recess and being as intelligent as I was I decided it was a good day to go on the Jungle Gym. WHY AM I SO DUMB? So, I climbed up the stupid spherical awesomeness. I still hadn’t Britney-ed anyone. Then I had the most genius idea of all: hang upside down. GASP.
Oh. Yeah. The gasp was not from me. The gasp was from my teacher. There were other reactions too. Like, Yosi, my schoolyard crush, who yelled “WHAT’S THAT?” He was referring to my whoo-whoo, in case you were wondering. Ms. Cookie, sat me down, explained the importance of underwear, and basically told me that my whoo-whoo scared everyone “Species” status.
Yeah. Underwear became my favorite item of clothing after that incident.
...why did you decide to post this story on the interweb? WHY? lol
ReplyDeleteC'mon Jamie. I know you had some sort of problem like this in your elementary days?
ReplyDelete...actually, I didn't. BUT I did have a friend who would tell me to sleep over, and in the morning, her underwear would inexplicably be pulled down to her ankles.
ReplyDelete...I found this to be strange, and stopped sleeping over at her house.
...this is another reason why I know I'm heterosexual.
Lol! That is amazing. Do you think that's why I have so few friends from my elementary days?
ReplyDelete