STOP BLINKING AT ME!

I cannot drive. Fact. I know it is absurd. I am so perfect in every single way. How is it possible that I cannot drive? Well, it’s possible. My car has the bruises to prove it. Sorry parked bus that I sideswiped. Sorry dormant cement poll that got to third base with my car. In all honesty, neither should have been in my way. *cue Luda ‘Get Out Da Way’*

Even though my driving should be confined to the Power Wheels my butt wishes it would fit in, I still feel the need to kvetch about other drivers on the road. Just because I cannot do, doesn’t mean I cannot complain. Jew genes strike again. SO, on that note, whattup with blinker happy drivers? I absolutely despise people who leave their blinker on. Hate it. Like, have the paparazzi follow it, take a bunch of embarrassing pictures of it and sell them to the Enquirer hate. Why? Well, for completely irrational reasons, of course. But, honestly, when have you ever known me to be logical. Let’s get serious people.

Reason #1: It makes me think the car is schizophrenic. Who doesn’t feel bad for a schizo? Not I. Mel Gibson put down your hand. We all know you hate schizo’s, along with Jews, black people, gay people, fat people, and leprechauns. When a person leaves their blinker on, I literally think the car is having a blinking seizure. PEOPLE! The highway is not a rave, no need to be leaving your blinkers on all willy nilly.

Reason #2: The beat of the blinker NEVER matches the beat of the Gavin Degraw CD stuck in my CD player, which I am stuck listening to (Gavin, you totally owe me a lap dance if I ever meet you. Actually, you kind of owe my car a lap dance since, technically, my car is the one you are emotionally scarring. Wait until you see what’s under my hood. Bow chicka bow wow). When the beat of my music does not match the continuous blinking in front of me, it throws my white girl dance moves off-balance (tapping my steering wheel), which throws my driving skills even more off-balance. Do you really want to take that risk, BLINKER SLUT? DO YOU? That’s what I thought.