Sometimes I Wonder Why I Don't Have A BF

Do you remember your first crush? I do. I mean I remember my first crush, not your first crush. That would be creepy. And hot.

Exhibit A: The Scarecrow

Who's that sexy man that lights my fire and then runs away from it? It's the Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz. Duh. I held a grudge against Dorothy for 2 years because of this brainless bag of straw. I thought that skipping, red slippered, ho-bag was trying to get all up in my business. I mean, the woman helped him get a brain! The only thing I could offer him was a Kraft single and a minute long serenade on my Casio. Hmmm. Wonder if that will work now?

Exhibit B: David Bowie in Labyrinth

HOLY FREAKING HOTNESS. There was something so wonderfully erotic about David Bowie in the Labyrinth. His spiky blonde hair, sharp pointed teeth, and large bulge (it was honestly disturbing) made me sing like a choir girl. When I first saw the movie I told my mom that I was going to marry Bowie. She then asked me if I was a lesbian. I was 5.

Exhibit C: Tom Selleck

Back-up, homegurl. Mind yo business and stop fantasizing about running yo fingers across my man's chest. I don't care if you have seen every episode of Magnum PI and own Mr. Baseball, I called dibs on this hunky piece of hairy man meat in 1989. Award for most mature crush by a 4 year old goes to MOI. I used to daydream about Tom's (yes, we are on a first name basis) manstache.

Best part, TS's Magnum double lived in my building. That's right. Ready to cry some real tears, drama club? He was almost as good as the real thing. I used to force my mom to take me to his apartment, so I could ask him to tell Tom that "I love him" and ask him if he would marry me...WHEN I TURNED 18. Gosh. I'm not gross.

Who was your first crush?