The Dougie Can Suck It.

Google Images makes me feel better about my life.

 Once upon a time, I promised you a story about that time I peed my pants, and since I don't shy away from making a complete ass of myself, that time has come. Thus, the tale begins...

In my youth, I thought my bladder was superman. Meaning, I thought that I would never pee my pants. Yes, I did go to public school. Why do you ask? For some odd and overall dumb reason, I always tried not to go to the bathroom when I had to, just to test the waters. That was a good pun, now laugh. Anyway, this resulted in that first grade incident of me peeing on the alphabet carpet. But that was completely reasonable because I was getting used to my 6yr old lady parts and the letter Q pissed me off...literally.

However, you would think, and most likely hope, that by the age of 12 I had full control of my bladder. That would mean I was a normal 12yr old who was not developmentally challenged. Yeah, we all know this would be a complete misstatement of my youth. So, you are left with a somewhat challenged 12yr old girl who really had to pee and also had to take pookie (my awesome dog, not a crap) out for a walk. A smart person would have peed before walking the dog, but I chose to play the "how long can you hold it before you stain yo pants" game. By the time we were in front of my apartment building, I had to break into the most manic pee-pee dance. Imagine someone attempting to do the vertical snake, while holding their crotch Michael Jackson style. If I were any older I would have looked like a Ellen Degeneres dance segment (now you will notice how much her moves look like a pee pee dance). Worst of all, I lived in a neighborhood that was 90% old Russian ladies. Do you know what old Russian ladies do? They go for circular walks around the block with their flowered umbrellas and orthopedic shoes. I can't even tell you how many fashtinkina yentas walked around me whispering in Russian about the weird American girl touching herself in the middle of the street.

Then. It happened. I couldn't hold it any longer. You know when you have to pee so bad that you can't even move? My poor bladder was so overwhelmed that I couldn't even do the dance any longer. I had to stand in the middle of the sidewalk, one leg crossed over the other, while slightly bent over. But then,  I became determined "I am not peeing my pants in the middle of this sidewalk. Nope. I am not doing it." So, I ran. I ran as fast as I could up the stairs of the front of the building to my elevator. Little did I know, that when your bladder has gone numb from having to pee so bad, it just kinda comes out at that point. Yeah. I guess I started peeing my pants when I started running and was done by the time I made it to the elevator. Mom was really proud of me that day. Really proud.

Lesson Learned: Don't be dumb.

Sometimes I Wonder Why I Don't Have A BF

Do you remember your first crush? I do. I mean I remember my first crush, not your first crush. That would be creepy. And hot.

Exhibit A: The Scarecrow

Who's that sexy man that lights my fire and then runs away from it? It's the Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz. Duh. I held a grudge against Dorothy for 2 years because of this brainless bag of straw. I thought that skipping, red slippered, ho-bag was trying to get all up in my business. I mean, the woman helped him get a brain! The only thing I could offer him was a Kraft single and a minute long serenade on my Casio. Hmmm. Wonder if that will work now?

Exhibit B: David Bowie in Labyrinth

HOLY FREAKING HOTNESS. There was something so wonderfully erotic about David Bowie in the Labyrinth. His spiky blonde hair, sharp pointed teeth, and large bulge (it was honestly disturbing) made me sing like a choir girl. When I first saw the movie I told my mom that I was going to marry Bowie. She then asked me if I was a lesbian. I was 5.

Exhibit C: Tom Selleck

Back-up, homegurl. Mind yo business and stop fantasizing about running yo fingers across my man's chest. I don't care if you have seen every episode of Magnum PI and own Mr. Baseball, I called dibs on this hunky piece of hairy man meat in 1989. Award for most mature crush by a 4 year old goes to MOI. I used to daydream about Tom's (yes, we are on a first name basis) manstache.

Best part, TS's Magnum double lived in my building. That's right. Ready to cry some real tears, drama club? He was almost as good as the real thing. I used to force my mom to take me to his apartment, so I could ask him to tell Tom that "I love him" and ask him if he would marry me...WHEN I TURNED 18. Gosh. I'm not gross.

Who was your first crush?