Momism: Pickle Woes

There has been this stench wafting from our refrigerator for days. I cannot explain it. It's like garlic and onion, mixed with mustard. But this house of two is a professional microwaving household. That means anything that contains garlic or onions is most likely not in our presence because that would require cooking...which we don't do. So, we are left with, a simple process of elimination. Here is my mom's process of elimination:

LAUREN, GODDAMMIT! IT'S THE FUCKING PICKLES.Those fucking pickles. Get them out of the goddamn fridge.

My mom has some pent up aggression towards pickles. I blame childhood. She also has an affinity for the words fuck and goddamn.

Momism: Calorie Counting Queen

While driving on Ventura Blvd. like a Tom Petty song:

Mom: So Cal Sushi...hmmm...we should try that one day.
Me: I'm down.
Mom: I wonder how they make it low cal...
Me: huh?
Mom: So Cal Sushi...do you think they use brown rice?
Me: Wait. What? Why do you think it's low calorie sushi? Wait...
Mom: So Cal?!
Me: Mom. So Cal means Southern California.
Mom: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Me: hahahahahahahaha! Thank you for that.

Momism: Sister Act

A couple of weekends ago I had a garage sale with Mindel, my foxy aunt Carmela, and my butthole cousin Samantha. Sorry, Sam, but you really should have known by now. Sam was telling her mom that the guy trying to cut a deal on the surfboard was actually flirting with her. Here is how the convo went down:

Sam: Mom, he was checking you out...
Auntie C: Really?! Nah...
Sam: Yes. He was and he's about 20 years younger.
Auntie C: Oooooooooh! I can be like one of those Coyote's
Me and Sam: Coyote? What does that have to do with anything?
Auntie C: I'm like a Coyote...getting younger men...
Me and Sam: Ummm, do you mean a "Cougar"?

Mindel, looks like you've got some competition.

Momism: I'm Watching You. Oh Wait. Maybe I'm Not. Shoot.

You know that feeling when you sit in a chair so long that your butt feels taken advantage of? Not pleasant. Also, I think my butt is getting dented from sitting so often... and you thought certain things just were not possible. Ha. I laugh at your ignorance.

Well, I got that horrible butt feeling, so I decided to take a little break and call mama bear. Yeah. Here you go:

Me: Hi muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummy! (I like to sound British sometimes. I also like bah-gels.)
Mindel: Hi bubby. Did you know that my computer can search for an address and see the street???
Me:You mean like on Google Maps? Where you can get a picture view?
Mindel: Yes! Lauren, I didn't know my computer could do that.
Me: My computer can do it too, Mom. It's a website. All computers with internet can use the site...
Mindel: Oh. Well, still, it's amazing! But it was so weird because I was talking to the guy I am going on a date with tomorrow and I looked up his house. I saw a red car in the picture view and asked him if there was a red car in front of his house, but he said no. And...
Me: Wait, wait, wait. Mom, do you think the image is live? Like you are looking at his house right now?
Mindel: Yes. Isn't it? If there isn't something filming it right now, then how could I possibly see it?
Me: Jesus Christ.

Momism: Can Anybody Hear Me???

This one time, in Rome, you know, because I am so worldly and classy and shit like that, I spent two weeks trying to figure out the movie this line is from: "Is anybody out there (echo  echo echo)? Can anybody hear me?" I literally spent two weeks SEARCHING 2006 Google (faaar less superior to 2011 Google) trying to find this goddamn line. Surprisingly, my nifty brain dug through the hot mess I have stored up there and found the answer, which is Titanic. I really don't know where I was going with this story. I think it was supposed to be an intro to my Momism, but it doesn't really work, except for the Titanic line. Perhaps I just wanted to brag about my trip to Rome. Yeah that's probably it. Because I am that type of person.

Voicemail on my Cellphone from Mindel:

Lauren, are you there? I am at the store and I have a question about the pearl necklace you want *mind out of gutter*. Laureeeeeeeeeen. Pick up the phone. Caaaaaaaan you hear me? Heeeeeeeeello! Dammit Lauren I know you are there...(to the store clerk) I know she hears me, she just wont pick it up.

Ummm, yeah. I don't know if you know this mom but I cannot hear your message while you are leaving it on my cellphone. No worries. I'll just blog about it.

Momism: Milk-a-Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

In yogurt shop:

Mindel: There are so many flavors. Ooooh, this Cookies n' Cream sounds good.
Me: Yeah, but it's dairy free.
Mindel: So?
Me: It wont taste the same?
Mindel: Why not?
Me: Because there is no dairy in it.
Mindel: Wait. What does that mean?
Me: Ummmm, dairy is a milk product...
Mindel: Sooooooooooooo?
Me: OH-MUH-GAAAAAWD! It means there is no milk in it!
Mindel: Oh. Well that's just not yogurt. Excuse me sir why do you even call this a yogurt shop?

 I think it cannot get worse. Hah.

Momism: How Much is that Mosarc Going for?

Back Story: My mom and I have been working on a Van Gogh puzzle (Starry Night) for one week...

Me: Ugh! This is taking forever.
Mindel: Seriously. I should sell this Mozarc puzzle for $500 for the amount of time this took us.
Me: Mozarc?
Mindel: Yeah. Mozarc, ya know? The artist of Starry Nights...like you said...he's famous...
Me: Ummm, do you mean Mozart? Like the classical musician...not the artist...
Mindel: Oh, I guess...then who's this?
Me: Van Gogh. And it's Starry Night. Oy.

Momism: Technology, Say Whaaaaaaaaaaa?

I have not been posting very often because school hates me. BUT, this was far too wonderful to not share with the world:

Mindel: You know the movie "Wall Street" that was just in the theaters that I really wanted to see?
Me: Yeah. What about it?
Mindel: Well, I want to see the first one. What was it called?
Me: "Wall Street."
Mindel: No, the original one???
Me: It was called "Wall Street."
Mindel: Oh. Well, how come I cannot find it in any video store???
Me: It's an old movie mom. It was made in the late 80's or early 90's, so you can't look where the new releases are.
Mindel (completely serious): IT'S THAT OLD? Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? They made movies back then???  That was a long time ago?!
Me: Ummm, pretty sure you were born almost 30 years before that movie was made and didn't they make movies when you were a kid?
Mindel: Yeah, I guess...but I still think that was a long time ago...I duh-no...

I should probably be worried but this is FAR TOO FUNNY.

Momism: I'll Haunt You

This is not a recent conversation. This conversation has taken place on numerous occasions, such as dinners, holidays, and birthdays. It started when I was seven, and thank GOD, I was mature enough to look at my nutso mom and tell her she's barking up the wrong tree. What is this mysterious conversation? Here you go:

Mindel: I don't want to be buried in the ground.


Me: Mom, that has nothing to do with my birthday.

Mindel: You are a year older, Lauren, and I am not getting any younger.

Me: Oooooookay?

Mindel: Well, I don't want to be buried in the ground.

Me: Don't start with me mom.

Mindel: You are the meanest daughter.

Me: Mom!

Mindel: I can't believe you...your own mother...you can't even give me one little thing.

Me: Mom, I have told you a million times. I AM NOT PUTTING YOU IN A SHED.

Mindel: But what if I wake up. Do you really want me to wake up in the dirt or a wall?!

Me: Are you serious right now? You are crazy. All these nutty superstitions have made you insane.

Mindel: Fine! You don't want to keep me in your garage, then I am just going to haunt you. Forever.

Me: You are the creepiest person.


I know that there are some very serious issues here, like a fear of death or the fact that my grandpa told my mom he would be hiding in the closet when he passes, so if she ever does anything bad he will catch her. But, honestly, WHO ASKS TO REMAIN IN YOUR GARAGE AS A PRECAUTION??? Gosh, I love her.

Can I Get an Oy Vay?

I am going to Palm Springs this weekend. Yom Kippur is this weekend too. That means I will be repenting for the holiday, in the desert...like a real Jew. Holla!

On another note, my mom has joined facebook. Yep. The same woman who publicly announced my boobs are like melons and told my ex-bf how Rabbis have sex. Goodbye, dignity.

Momism: Deny Deny Deny

I am visiting Big Mama. What does this mean? This means that homegurl gonna be loaded with mad material fo da blog. Thanks, Mommy.

Me: Nothing is on TV.

Mindel: Well, we can watch a movie on deny.

Me: Huh? On deny? Is that a new network?

Mindel: No. You know? They play movies or whatever ON DENY.

Me (raised eyebrow): OnDemand?

Mindel: Isn't that what I said?

No, mom. That's not what you said.

Me: Holy Moses walking through the desert. I need to blog about this.

Mindel: Do you have nothing better to do with your life? Is this what you do? Blog?

Thanks for making me feel better about myself. Mom.

Momism: Pretend Slutty Mama Say What?

My mom is a very untraditional mother. Hard as nails, but my best friend in the world. Since she is so offbeat, her advice tends to never come out properly. Hence, Momisms.

Me: (looking at an old pic of mama) Damn, mom. You were hot. Why don't I look like that now?

Mindel: Don't be ridiculous, Lauren. I was hot, wasn't I?

Me: Duh. Why'd you have to go marry a short, not so cute, Italian? You messed up my cute genes.

Mindel: You're pretty, Lauren, but you're as tall as a tree stump. I don't know how you are so short.

Me: Yeah, thanks. So, boys must have been all over you in high school. Did a bunch of boys like you because you were so hot?

Mindel: No. The boys liked me because they thought I was a really big slut.

Me: Um...

Mindel: Yeah. I had thin eyebrows and wore white lipstick, so they thought I would have sex with them.

Me: Oh...

Mindel: That's why I would never let you wear white lipstick. Too bad you have two watermelons for boobs...you're like jailbait.

Me: Thanks?