So That's Why Child Labor is Illegal

I am crying in my little corner cubby because I just found out that my hero is a sham. This is almost as bad as that time I ran out of cheese and I didn't have my back-up bag-o-cheese like I usually do. So, you're probably wondering who this mysterious hero is. It is the Hot Piece Of Ass who quit her job on a series of white boards and e-mailed the pics to her boss and co-workers. LIE. Ummmm, homegurl did not do that. Ugh. Every time I think I have found someone cooler than me, they just have to go and ruin it.

(Just to let you know, Little Miss Dream killer, the acronym for Hot Piece Of Ass is not HOPA. Now you are just a DOPA...think about it)

Nonetheless, Dream killer got me thinking about the worst job I have ever had. Trust me there was some stiff competition for the #1 spot but one stood out like a nun in a mall: Gloria Jean's Coffee. Oh the glory days.

I started working at GJC at the ripe age of 17. I was so excited. Free coffee everyday and 20%-off the tin lunch pails I collected. I wouldn't be surprised if you had some major jealousy issues going on right now. Anywho, that rosy view created by my Jewish excitement over free/discounted goods was quickly removed. Why do you say that, Lauren?

Well, let's see. One of my co-workers, a round and bald gay man, we'll call him Floyd, liked to talk about his life. Floyd would chat me up daily. He would sit on the counter and eat and tell me stories. Oh. Did I mention that Floyd had dentures and would remove them to eat? So, gummy Floyd would tell me stories about him and his boyfriend. "Omg. My boyfriend is so controlling. But I love him so much. It's because he's huge. He's like 7'1. Do you know what that means? Yeah. It's like a horse. So good." Ummm. Excuse me? I'm sorry. I don't think my 17 year old ears heard you correctly. Did you just compare your big boyfriends ding-a-ling to a horse? Floyd was fired.

I would like to say that Floyd was the worst part. But he wasn't. The worst were the customers.

Pregnant Lady (frowning): Miss, I asked for decaf.

Me (smiling): Yes, ma'am. I made you a decaf.

Preggy McPreggerson: Um, well, THIS tastes like it has caffeine in it.

Me (smiling): (thinking: No shit Sherlock. Did you think it was going to taste like apple juice?) Don't worry ma'am, it's decaf.

Preggo My Eggo (scathing tone): Miss, I don't think you understand. I cannot have caffeine. I am pregnant.

Me (smiling): (thinking: Oh really? you mean you aren't hiding a toddler under your shirt?) I understand. I assure you it's decaf.

Preggy: Just give me a refund.

Whatever. At least I got food poisoning during one of my shifts and puked all over the floor. True story. That's right HOPA! Who's the winner now??? (vulgar Mc Hammer dance move)