Poisoning My Friends and Burning Down Kitchens

Better than Brett Michaels

One thing on my Summer To Do List is to bake. Now, if you know me, this is a very risky and adventurous task. Might as well be jumping out of a plane. Growing up, breakfast came from McDonalds, lunch was made by the questionable lady at school who would lick her dentures every five seconds, and dinner was either Thai or some other delicious ethnic cuisine...like Del Taco. Point is, mama didn't cook.

My wonderful mother threw away ALL of our pots and pans when I was eight years old. Why? Well, Mindel (that's her name) felt that if we had no pots, no pans, and only food that was microwavable, she could never get roped in to cooking holiday meals. Something like this:

Aunt Carmela: Mindel, will you make your delicious casserole for Thanksgiving?

Mindel: Oh, sorry Carmela. I have no pots or pans.
Carmela(angry tone): You can buy the disposable ones from the market, Mindel.
Mindel(frustrated): My stove is broken.

That's right. Mama would use every excuse in the book to make sure she did not have to cook. Going as far as unplugging the stove if someone tried to catch her in her anti-Martha Stewart lies. Homegirl be straight trippin.

Ding! Now you get it. I AM doing something challenging. Totally going against my heritage. There is no cooking or baking gene in my body. I tried boiling eggs once. They exploded all over my kitchen and I had to repaint it. I baked cookies. They were the best weapon I ever had. Don't mess with me fool or my cooking will bitch slap you. So, I have undertaken this challenging task to make food that doesn't poison my friends or break walls. Thus far I have made:

Biscuits (a.k.a. Brett Michaels)- They were actually tasty. Sheenika, my law school boyfriend, ate like three. +1 for my soul.

Oatmeal Bars (a.k.a. Cancer Sticks)- Ummm, accidentally used the SPLENDA Brown Sugar...yeah. They tasted like cancer.

Cheddar Jalapeno Cornbread (a.k.a. Bobby Brown) - I know, right? Quite a task for a novice. Homegirl Ina Garten had that cornbrizzle on lock. Me, well, not so much. Ina is like Whitney Houston and I'm like Bobby Brown. She's got all the talent and I'm trying to steal the crazy bitches fame. The C-bread needed more cheese fo sho. Otherwise, not too bad.

If you have any recipe recommendations, let me know. I need some new weapons of mass destruction. Word to Mindel.