My Family's So Cool, They Make Chuck Norris Look Lame

So, this past weekend, I went back to LA to celebrate my cousins' graduations and my aunt's birthday. Now, for some people, visiting family is about as fun as being forced to watch Glitter on repeat. Sorry, Mariah Carey. Please don't order Nick Cannon to beat me up. Shudder. But, visiting my family is like eating the giant pickle in Disneyland. That's right. AWESOME. Even though they dedicated 8.5 hours of the 24 hours I was visiting to making fun of my blog...

Samantha: Did you hear Lauren has a blog?

Rest of Family: WHAT? Really? Who are you? Why are you so lame?

Samantha: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Lauren's so dumb.

Me: You're related to me. Burn.

We are possibly the most embarrassing bunch of kids to be around but that is the best part. The brisket(meat) of my family is a spit ball fight in a restaurant, Uncle Ben offending someone, Aunt Sara telling a funny story about growing up in Canadian Harlem, or Aunt Carmela doing the chicken dance (you think you know, but you have no idea until you see it).

Then, there's my mom. Mindel deserves a whole blog post, but I will leave you with this little sample platter (Microwavable, of course). My mom is a beauty freak. Yes, she's gorgeous, but I am not referring to that. I am referring to the fact that at every single family function she is doing something that should be done in a salon and not at a Hanuka dinner party. Glue-on nails. Check. Wax legs. Check. Can I getta M.C. Hammer dance? Hammer time.

Next, we have my cousins. No. Not my cousins. To me, they are my sisters and brother from another, blood related, mother. They are my sanity and insanity all rolled in one. Like a Jelly donut. Ewww. I don't like donuts. Like a Pb&J sandwich. Mmmmmm. Samantha, Jessica, Ashlee and Jimmy. Here are the basics:

1. Jessica thinks she is a vampire. Oh, are you confused? Jessica LITERALLY thinks she is a vampire. I remember this one time we were walking and she was hoping a vampire would jump out of the bushes and turn her. Jessica then changed her mind because she thought her features would remain the same FOREVER, and she did not want to be a vampire with short hair. Wannabe vampire gots to get her priorities in line.


2. Samantha is my eyebrow twin and she bites. She just bites randomly. She was also OBSESSED with David Boreanaz and Drew Lachey. That's right. Angel and the poor man's Nick Lachey. She had a whole notebook with a marble cover DEDICATED to Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I am laughing so hard right now.


3. Ashlee is the baby sister. Always the artistic one who loved the weirdest crap ever. Muffy bears, porcelain dolls, furbies, and that God awful Tickle-Me-Elmo. But above all of her crazy toys, Ashlee loved her Binky. Binky? Her pacifier. That child sucked on that thing until she was 7 and after that she would have to tap her lip to fall asleep. Word.


4. Jimmy. Notice how all the other names are female. Yep. Poor little Jimmy. He got his nails painted, was forced to play Barbie, and was then excluded from playing Barbie. Barbie was always found with her head missing when he was excluded. Can you say Henry VIII? My favorite was when we would play Pretty Pretty Princess. That kid would ALWAYS win. He was always the Princess. I'm still jealous.

So, Chuck Norris. You can suck it.