I’m Not on a Boat, I’m on a Date!

Remember Taylor #2? [Use cottonmouth Marlon Brando gangsta voice here + Italian hand gesture] If you don’t, it’s because you haven’t been reading my blog obsessively and now you have offended me. You can earn my respect back by sending me a jar of pickles and a lifetime supply of Hydrogen Peroxide. Don’t hate. [Brando out]

So, after much debate, I agreed to a date because, who knows, he might be great. I am practically Busta Rhymes with these crazy flows. Wick-a, Wick-a, whaaaaa. My flow skillz being beside the point, this time around, questionably gay Taylor went for a more gender-neutral option. No yoga and fro-yo. Tacos and douche bags for two, please.

We were supposed to meet at 6:45, which gave me ample time to go home and change. Instead, I sat on my couch and refused to remove the outfit that made me look like a lesbian office assistant. I don’t know. I just really wanted to show up to a trashy taco bar in my work suit. I’ll raise you one lesbian prude for TWO tacos? FINE! I’ll change! I stomped to my closet, which is presently my floor, and picked the least wrinkled pair of jeans and sweater. Now, I looked like a beat up version of Natalie Portman. You know? As if she was punched multiple times in the face. Whatevs. I can deal. Also, Rachel gave the outfit a shrug. Two thumbs up!!!

Of course, I arrived 5 minutes EARLY. So, there I was standing awkwardly in between a guy wearing a shirt with more rhinestones on it than an Elton John suit and a group of girls, ALL wearing white dresses, with their hoo-ha’s near exposure. I mean, whenever it’s 50° outside, I think “what dress is most likely to show my vagina?” Britney Spears jealousy, for reals.
Taylor finally arrived at 7pm. Late. Ummm, I could have been sitting on my couch watching Wheel of Fortune, buddy. My time is precious…based on the novel Push by Sapphire. I let it slide nonetheless because I had sufficient entertainment surrounding me.

Now, when I first saw him I thought “Hmmm. Well, he’s cuter/taller and less goofy looking than I remember.” I guess alcohol can skew your perception. WHO KNEW?! He came up to me with a big smile and apologized for his tardiness. That was nice. At least he acknowledged his faux pas. We started a little awkward banter, which I love. Banter is the way to my cheesy heart. Mmmm, cheese. I digress. So, as we were talking, there was something about him. He just reminded me of someone, but I could not put my stubby little finger on it. We began the typical first date convo, "what kind of music do you like" “what do you do for fun” “have you ever slept with a hooker...” Typical.

Well, good thing I asked him that last question because his answer started like this “WELL, do I have an interesting story regarding that one…” Wait. What? You have an interesting story pertaining to my hooker question. Of course, you do. Because this just wouldn’t be my life if a guy didn’t call me an ice queen or have an interesting story about him and a hooker on our first date. BAM! It hit me like a ton of bricks. I KNOW WHO HE REMINDS ME OF!!!

Lochlyn Munro!!! Oh. You don’t know who that is? This very typical name, Lochlyn, does not ring a bell? Well, he is the questionably homosexual, goofy looking guy from White Chicks, Freddy vs. Jason, A Guy Thing, etc. Oh. You haven’t seen those award winners? WHO ARE YOU AND HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME?

Yes, he looks like Lochlyn (best name evaaaaaaaaaaa) and for the rest of the evening that’s all I could think about. Why am I the most annoying person on the planet? Since this is getting kinda long, to sum up the date:

1. Taylor did not sleep with a hooker. His wallet was almost stolen by a hooker AND her chain smoking pimp almost beat the Lochlyn out of his face
2. At some point during the date I began to wonder how he would react to me throwing a taco at his face. I don't think that's love.
3. He was an awesome and fun guy that I would love to hang out with, but no spark. But, hey, I made a new friend that I can eat tacos and do yoga with. Wow. New low.

Lesson In Love: Just because you are not interested in him as a boyfriend, does not mean you cannot make him a new friend. Less stress and STD'S. Woot woot.