Sometimes Your Vagina Is Going To Burn

Evening of Day 7 - 

Michael: Everyone! Listen up! Okay. So, I have some advice for tomorrow. First, do not shave ANYTHING. You will burn. Second, MEN, I recommend that you wear a condom. Just trust me. Third, LADIES, I know it does not sound pleasant, but if you have vaseline, you should make good use of it and put it all over your lady parts.
Everyone Else: Ummm...

Afternoon of Day 8:

Michael: Do not throw that used condom at my face. Do not do it. I can't believe you just put a used condom on my face.

So, I guess all that is left to do is explain how we got from A (condoms and a vaseline hole) to B (used condom on the face). Birthright was showing us how to make Jewish babies. Obvi. Fine. That's not what happened. You can't make Jewish babies with condoms, unless you make a condom balloon baby (glad my name is officially linked with condom balloon baby). Turns out that Birthright or as I prefer to label us "Shnoz with a Cause" was making its way down to the Dead Sea. Fact: the dead see is the lowest point on earth.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Dead Sea, it is the saltiest sea on the planet. Meaning, hoes be floating:

Exhibit A: I am not holding myself up. Nor are my two watermelon colored children floaties for boobs holding me up, despite what it may look like. It's all salt. Sorry peppa, but it looks like you're the Jan Brady of this trip. 

Since the Dead Sea is the saltiest sea on the planet, there are certain precautions that must be taken to avoid injury, but mainly embarrassment. First and foremost, you must not shave. Shaving is like having an open cut waiting to get burned. And let's be honest, Jews aren't necessarily known for their lack of hair. That means a million burning open wounds. But, not shaving was common knowledge. What was not common knowledge was the vulnerability of those natural holes in our body.

Michael, our group leader, was kind enough to share some tips to avoid burning sensations that should only come with an STD or a fire in your pants. Men were told to wear condoms to avoid a salty stinging sensation in their flopper. Women were told to lube up with the container of Vaseline we brought to Israel. Right. Because when I pack for vacation I always remember to bring my Costco sized jar of Vaseline.

Well, Michael's advice caused quite a bit of commotion. The men did not know how they were going to keep a condom on their ding-dong if they weren't aroused. Okay, time to grow up: penis, penis, penis. See, I can use the real word. Now that that's over with. The men were stressing, but then they figured out that they were only floating in the water and not flopping around (pun intended). So, condom on the floppy ding-dong problem solved. Don't worry Israel, your Dead Sea won't have a bunch of used condom balloon babies floating around. Now for the whole Vaseline issue. Yeah, why don't you tell 25 girls to smother their vagina with petroleum jelly and see what kind of reaction you get. "Are you trying to give us a bladder infection?" Needless to say, we all learned a lot about each other that evening.

Despite the advice, I decided to skip the Vaseline facial and risk the burn. I tip-toed into the water because just like your "first time," moving slower will obviously protect the hoo hoo. This needs to be a song:

Girl if you forget to take it slow
you're probly gonna cry
cuz the stinging's gonna blow

I digress. About ten minutes later, my whole body was in the water, floating stiffly. As you can see above, I floated. As you can see below, my vagina was in immense salty burning pain:

Can you see the fake constrained smile? I am not pooping in the water. In between my gritted teeth I am saying "ow,ow,ow,ow,ow."

And that was my experience in the Dead Sea. But, the story is not over. Remember that little "do not throw that used condom at my face" incident. Well, turns out the whole "wear a condom and Vaseline your holes" was a practical joke, which no one knew of until it was too late. I guess one of the boys was not too happy about the practical joke. Hence, condom to the face. Michael sure is lucky a female did not get angry about the joke.