January Is A Karma Test. Don't Screw Up.

It's a new year. Time to resolve all those pesky problems that plagued you last year: weight, alcohol intake (wine counts. Your teeth should not look like you made out with Grimace... everyday), and the weird nail on your pinky toe that you should probably have a doctor look at. All of these "issues" can magically float away into the mystical universe because a new calendar means your slate is CLEAN.

However, karma is a naughty minx and will creep up on you like a dirty old man on the bus. That's not a hand groping your butt, it's karma. I strongly believe that the month of January is a test and if you fail that test, God will cut you. Theoretically. Are you truly grasping my point? Let's use my life as an example, per the usual:

Yesterday was a beautiful day; it looked like a Lisa Frank sticker. Everything was going swell. Got to spend the day in the sun and then spend my evening with Rachel. As I was leaving to meet Rachel, my mom asked me to help her fix the vaccuum cleaner (because I am 12 and I live with my mom. Turns out this whole lawyer business is not as lucrative as we thought it would be. #liesmyjewishmothertoldme). However, I was in a hurry, so I told Mindel "later."

Fast forward to 7:30p.m. meeting Rachel at restaurant and being in aw of her brand new Lexus: 

Me: No. Bullshit. You told me you were getting a Kia you butthead. (I now exit my vehicle, purse in hand, drooling at the sight of her car.)
Rachel: You have to see how I unlock it. LOOK.
Me: I'm happy for you, but I think I equally hate you too.
Rachel: Oh, Lauren, you are the funniest person I know. (She may or may not have said this.)
Me: Okay. Let's eat. Your car is making me nauseous. Your car is still on...or does the devil car also turn itself off?
Rachel: My car is not on.
Me: Oh. That's my car. With the keys in the ignition. Locked.

Karma just cut a bitch.

Like my professional image of Karma cutting me? I have mastered Microsoft Paint...and the 90's. Obvi.