Dating Advice From The Bachelor: It's Legit

More likely than not, you remember my healthy obsession with the Bachelor. Baby just want a rose and a man who does montage push-ups. Montage push-ups. Heeeeeeeey. Enough of that. Well, you can only imagine the joy rainbows I barfed when God (formally known as the American Broadcasting Company) blessed this heavenly earth with season…umm…season “you have been watching this show since high school and even the people who still watch the Real World are shaming you.” Sorry for my long sentences, it has been awhile and my fingers are all excited. Asdlfjoencas. See. Looks like 2012 is going to be a good year. I laugh in your end of the world predicting face, Mayans. 

Accordingly, every year I learn a new dating technique from the most appropriate people to learn dating do’s and don’ts from: desperate single pageant girls who most likely spraytan their vajewhas (I don’t know why, but I am kind of falling for this new childish word for vagina). So, please, let me share my newly acquired knowledge as a Happy New Year present for my readers…all 3 of you.

Things I have learned: 

• Bring Your Grandma to Date Night

Turns out, I have been dating wrong. Your personality can get him interested, but your grandmother can take Baby right out of that corner and sell her faster than a Princess Leia blow-up doll at Comic-Con. A grown woman actually brought her Grandmother on the show because she’s “super close” to her Grammy. Meaning, the Bachelor will never dump her bedazzled face while under septuagenarian pressure. Lo and behold, the blonde with a mediocre personality and a golden girl on her arm got a rose.

Hence, next man I date is going to meet every family member over the age of 60. Ba bam.

• Props

Again. I have been doing this dating thing wrong. But honestly, you cannot blame me. I was in law school and then there was that drunk birthday problem…point is, I am getting back into the swing of things. Apparently, things have changed a lot since I have been gone. I always thought that the guy calls you, he picks you up or you find a good spot to meet if he seems like he might be a crazy serial killer stalker type, you talk a little bit, maybe make-out if he at least appears sane, and then you go home. 

Nope. Wrong. Props. (say it like you are Tom Haverford on Parks and Rec – if you do not know to what I am referring then shame on you and 2012 is going to suck unless you figure shit out). Almost every girl on the Bachelwhore (like what I did there?) had a prop. One girl had a large hat, then there was grandma chick, one had a soccer ball…a girl had a flipping HORSE! Yep. A girl rode in on a horse, as if she were some exotic beauty from a Harlequinn Romance novel. 

Point: Mama’s getting a horse.

• Don’t Be the Psychotic Blogger Chick

Now, although I love to start a first date with a some awkward moments and I usually am the psychotic blogger chick, but this girl just took the cake. On the very first night she managed to screw up a quote, yell at someone for not being into Ben enough, and cry for hours in the bathroom. She started off the show with this introduction: “Ummm, so, I’m like a blogger. It’s what I do for a living. I blog about relationships and how I over-analyze them. I just really over-analyze relationships too much. Hahaha!”

Okay, cra-y cra-y! 

• Don’t Ask a Girl to Share a Tampon with You

Wait. Why exactly not?