The Pits

First and Foremost, I would like to announce that I have survived the WORST Oscars ever and detergent laced rice cakes. Anne Hathaway was a stupid giddy school girl the whole time and James Franco was offensively indifferent. Pretty sure he was more baked than one of my overcooked cakes. Dear Oscars Committee, just because they are pretty to look at and still have their mothers cut their food DOESN'T mean they will make a good show. Thank God for Collin Firth and his public declaration of his love and appreciation for me. You heard it, right?

Second, I love shaving my armpits. In the shower this morning, I lathered the pits and got to work and ultimately decided that shaving my pits of steel is the best part of the shower. If only men could get this much joy from life.

I Will Drop Kick You If You Interrupt This Program

Make crazy crooked psycho face and yell "IT'S THE OSCARS!!!"

It is my favorite day of the year, besides Thanksgiving, Memorial Day, and National Cheese Day. I usually only see one out of the 5/10 movies nominated because I usually see movies that cause migraines or internal bleeding upon contact. However, this year I classed my shit up and saw 5 out of the 10 Oscar movies. It might be because I sneaked into one on Christmas day (sorry True Grit...I wish I gave you the money instead of Little Fockers) and one involved my lovermuffin-kissyourface-stalkyouforever  Colin Firth, but it still counts like calories.

Best Actor: My Hubby
Best Actress: That Bird Hoe (if you see this movie DON'T GET THE POPCORN KillerPopcorn )
Best Movie: I predict it's Social Network (send me a cool pair of sunglasses if I win)

Sorry, I need to get back to this program.

When My Appetite Kills

I eat things I really should not eat. Stop thinking of cavities and fat kids because I am not talking about candy. I am referring to those questionable items in the back of your fridge; the ones you cannot determine, for the life of you, whether it is a bunch of raisins stuck together or that strawberry that got lost from the pack. I did put it in my mouth and it was a strawberry. Shiver.

To the point. I was craving rice cakes...wtf already right? So, I was craving rice cakes. I had some in my cabinet that just happened to roll next to my laundry detergent and Bounce dryer sheets. Thought nothing of it. I take one bite. "Hmmm, this is odd. Why does this taste like spring?" Of course, being as curious as a cat, I just had to take another bite. "This tastes horrible...I wonder if my detergent spilled on this?" Yes, I did finish the rice cake.

Well, guess what Lauren? CURIOSITY KILLED THE FUCKING CAT. Go away horrible stomach pain and go bother a fat middle aged man! The whole point of this post is that if I begin foaming at the mouth and lapse into a detergent coma, please let the doctor know what happened.

I Am Awesome

Today I texted my joke to a guy I went on a date with one month ago. The response:

Can we make-out again?

Winner. I plan on using this whole "joke" tactic on the street. Let's see what I catch...hopefully nothing diseasy.

Karma Is An Ear Bleeding Bitch

My mom and I like to scare people. Yes, there is something wrong with us but that should be left for a different blog post. We love to hide behind doors, in closets, make fake seances, and throw stuff at people just to get the tiniest scream out of them. It's a problem. After years of torturing friends and each other, it was bound to bite us in the ass. Something bad had to come from one of these disgustingly pleasing scare tactics. BAM!

I was home for the weekend and had just suffered bad highlights. I mean sobbing in the corner with a pint of Ben & Jerry's while looking up at the ceiling screaming "WHY" bad highlights. My hair looked like it should be wearing an Ed Hardy shirt. ANYWAY. I hopped into the shower to wash the tears away. When I got out I performed my usual Q-tip routine while I walked to my room to get some PJ's.

BOO!

All I can say is there was a scream, a Q-tip jammed into my ear, and then some blood.

Lesson: Don't walk around MY house with a Q-tip in ear because someone is bound to scare you and you might end up in the emergency room.

Happy Baaaaaaaah-day!

Why couldn't the shepherd see?

Because he didn't have a lamb-p!

Yes. I wrote this. On my birfday. Creative birfday girl say whaaaaaaaaaaa?! Popsicle gonna be ALL up in my business.

Balls To The Wall

Speaking of Sex, this is a quote from today's BLAH SKOOL reading:

It is like juggling too many balls.”  Some people can juggle six balls at once, and some only one!

Alternative Dispute Resolution for the win!