I'm From Ethiopia! What?

It's been a while, but let's skip the "where have you been?" and the "I know you don't have anything better to do with your time other than write hilarious anecdotes about your mom and your vagina." I have some blog worthy stories for my 12 followers and I think I need to enrich your lives by sharing the many splendors of my life.

Splendors:

1. I celebrated the Super Bowl this year. That's a big deal. Why? Homegurl knows football like the back of her hand. I AM SORRY BUT NOBODY KNOWS THE BACK OF THEIR STUPID HAND, SO I AM CHANGING THE MEANING OF THE STUPID SAYING . I celebrated by going to a private SuperBowl-ing party. When I party, I party like a Golden Girl. ANYWAY, let's cut to the chase, they had free alcohol. I like free so much that I would make out with it. I did make out with it. Four hours later, this happened:

Me: Omg, I love your accent. Where are you from?

Cab Driver: Ethiopia.

Me: GET OUT OF TOWN! Me too!

Cab Driver: No you're not.

Me: You're right...my mom is. 

Who's the most offensive person in the car? THIS GIRL. Why did I tell the cab driver I was from Ethiopia? Because the History Channel once told me that the original Jews are from Ethiopia and the history channel must be quoted in life. Free alcohol makes me smart. Later that evening I threw up into my silver trash can. Free alcohol makes me classy sick. Brush off these shoulders because I see a little dust.

2. I recently turned 28, which means that I am more mature because I have more wrinkles and less baby eggs. It's science. I celebrated maturity with sake bombs and other beverages that I no longer recall. I then celebrated maturity by handing out my business card to two cab drivers and a bartender with the preface "you guys get into a lot of accidents and they are usually your fault, I'll fight for you." Finally, I celebrated maturity by making out with two different men, on the same night, on different dance floors. Different dance floors is exactly like the zip code rule. Right? Again, it's science. The good thing is that this was very out of character; the bad thing is that I happen to remember everything.

Quotes of the evening:

Me: I'M A COUGAR.

Me: I am not sorry for making out with someone else. IT'S MY BIRTHDAY AND I'M NEVER SLUTTY.

Let's just end it here for now. Also, I only said vagina once in this post, well, twice now, so let's end this on a high note. 

Umm, Yeah.

I would just like to let my readers know that one of the traffic sources to my blog is whoresex.com. I don't know who you are, but I am pretty sure you were disappointed when you clicked on this link and didn't see a bunch of whore sex. Also, I should probably stop using the word vagina in my blog so much. Probably.

Momism: Pickle Woes

There has been this stench wafting from our refrigerator for days. I cannot explain it. It's like garlic and onion, mixed with mustard. But this house of two is a professional microwaving household. That means anything that contains garlic or onions is most likely not in our presence because that would require cooking...which we don't do. So, we are left with, a simple process of elimination. Here is my mom's process of elimination:

LAUREN, GODDAMMIT! IT'S THE FUCKING PICKLES.Those fucking pickles. Get them out of the goddamn fridge.

My mom has some pent up aggression towards pickles. I blame childhood. She also has an affinity for the words fuck and goddamn.

January Is A Karma Test. Don't Screw Up.

It's a new year. Time to resolve all those pesky problems that plagued you last year: weight, alcohol intake (wine counts. Your teeth should not look like you made out with Grimace... everyday), and the weird nail on your pinky toe that you should probably have a doctor look at. All of these "issues" can magically float away into the mystical universe because a new calendar means your slate is CLEAN.

However, karma is a naughty minx and will creep up on you like a dirty old man on the bus. That's not a hand groping your butt, it's karma. I strongly believe that the month of January is a test and if you fail that test, God will cut you. Theoretically. Are you truly grasping my point? Let's use my life as an example, per the usual:

Yesterday was a beautiful day; it looked like a Lisa Frank sticker. Everything was going swell. Got to spend the day in the sun and then spend my evening with Rachel. As I was leaving to meet Rachel, my mom asked me to help her fix the vaccuum cleaner (because I am 12 and I live with my mom. Turns out this whole lawyer business is not as lucrative as we thought it would be. #liesmyjewishmothertoldme). However, I was in a hurry, so I told Mindel "later."

Fast forward to 7:30p.m. meeting Rachel at restaurant and being in aw of her brand new Lexus: 

Me: No. Bullshit. You told me you were getting a Kia you butthead. (I now exit my vehicle, purse in hand, drooling at the sight of her car.)
Rachel: You have to see how I unlock it. LOOK.
Me: I'm happy for you, but I think I equally hate you too.
Rachel: Oh, Lauren, you are the funniest person I know. (She may or may not have said this.)
Me: Okay. Let's eat. Your car is making me nauseous. Your car is still on...or does the devil car also turn itself off?
Rachel: My car is not on.
Me: Oh. That's my car. With the keys in the ignition. Locked.

Karma just cut a bitch.

Like my professional image of Karma cutting me? I have mastered Microsoft Paint...and the 90's. Obvi.

Serious Conversation: Jon, Katy Perry and Russell Brand

Jon and I had an actual conversation about this now defunct couple. Our conversation spanned a good 20 minutes, however, you get the highlights...like the fact that Jon's knowledge of the Perry-Brand relationship is far superior.

 Jon:...related: Russell Brand and Katy Perry have to be the most annoying, self-absorbed couple on Earth, right?

 me: oh god

4:17 PM Jon: like, there's no way they're not completely obnoxious together right?

 me: haha

  I actually like them as a couple...

4:18 PM Jon: really? Katy Perryi saw several interviews o her and she just seemed so hilariously vapid

 me: vapid yes

4:19 PM but in the context of talking about them as a couple...Jon: if you ever get a chance to see her E! True Hollywood Story/it's on when you're hungover it's somewhat entertaining  POINT: Jon seriously watched the Katy Perry E! True Hollywood Story and several interviews. I have never felt closer to you Jon. Danielle, good job.

Serious Conversation: Audra Has This Jewish Charm

Me: I want to set you up with my cousin.
Audra: No. I only like blondes with blue eyes.
Me: Who are you? Hitler?
Audra: You gotta problem with that?
Me: Seeing as that I am Jewish and have a soul...probably.

Dating Advice From The Bachelor: It's Legit

More likely than not, you remember my healthy obsession with the Bachelor. Baby just want a rose and a man who does montage push-ups. Montage push-ups. Heeeeeeeey. Enough of that. Well, you can only imagine the joy rainbows I barfed when God (formally known as the American Broadcasting Company) blessed this heavenly earth with season…umm…season “you have been watching this show since high school and even the people who still watch the Real World are shaming you.” Sorry for my long sentences, it has been awhile and my fingers are all excited. Asdlfjoencas. See. Looks like 2012 is going to be a good year. I laugh in your end of the world predicting face, Mayans. 

Accordingly, every year I learn a new dating technique from the most appropriate people to learn dating do’s and don’ts from: desperate single pageant girls who most likely spraytan their vajewhas (I don’t know why, but I am kind of falling for this new childish word for vagina). So, please, let me share my newly acquired knowledge as a Happy New Year present for my readers…all 3 of you.

Things I have learned: 

• Bring Your Grandma to Date Night

Turns out, I have been dating wrong. Your personality can get him interested, but your grandmother can take Baby right out of that corner and sell her faster than a Princess Leia blow-up doll at Comic-Con. A grown woman actually brought her Grandmother on the show because she’s “super close” to her Grammy. Meaning, the Bachelor will never dump her bedazzled face while under septuagenarian pressure. Lo and behold, the blonde with a mediocre personality and a golden girl on her arm got a rose.

Hence, next man I date is going to meet every family member over the age of 60. Ba bam.

• Props

Again. I have been doing this dating thing wrong. But honestly, you cannot blame me. I was in law school and then there was that drunk birthday problem…point is, I am getting back into the swing of things. Apparently, things have changed a lot since I have been gone. I always thought that the guy calls you, he picks you up or you find a good spot to meet if he seems like he might be a crazy serial killer stalker type, you talk a little bit, maybe make-out if he at least appears sane, and then you go home. 

Nope. Wrong. Props. (say it like you are Tom Haverford on Parks and Rec – if you do not know to what I am referring then shame on you and 2012 is going to suck unless you figure shit out). Almost every girl on the Bachelwhore (like what I did there?) had a prop. One girl had a large hat, then there was grandma chick, one had a soccer ball…a girl had a flipping HORSE! Yep. A girl rode in on a horse, as if she were some exotic beauty from a Harlequinn Romance novel. 

Point: Mama’s getting a horse.

• Don’t Be the Psychotic Blogger Chick

Now, although I love to start a first date with a some awkward moments and I usually am the psychotic blogger chick, but this girl just took the cake. On the very first night she managed to screw up a quote, yell at someone for not being into Ben enough, and cry for hours in the bathroom. She started off the show with this introduction: “Ummm, so, I’m like a blogger. It’s what I do for a living. I blog about relationships and how I over-analyze them. I just really over-analyze relationships too much. Hahaha!”

Okay, cra-y cra-y! 

• Don’t Ask a Girl to Share a Tampon with You

Wait. Why exactly not?