A Few Things I Could Live Without BUT Life Would Really Suck if I Had To

1. AQUAPHOR

I would like to praise whoever invented this petroleum tube of genius. Are your feet dry? Lips chapped? Dun-da-dun-dun! AQUAPHOR to the rescue! Typical situation:

Me: Oh my! My lips are so chapped. tear.
Aquaphor: Hey there foxy lady. Your dry, deathly looking lips look like they could use some cheering up. Anything I can do?

Me: Oh, Aquaphor. You make my heart go pit pat.

True story.

2. MASCARA

The one thing every woman should have and use is mascara. Why? Ummm, do you like looking tired? Didn't think so. Mascara is an instant eye opener and sure fire way to hide your lack of sleep.

3. ZIPLOC BAGS

I dedicate this to Sheenika and Heather because they know that I would starve if I did not have my wonderful ziplocs. Honestly, you can put anything and everything in those bad boys. Fruit, corn, turkey, nuts, vegetables... the list could be miles long. If I could, I would marry Ziploc. Best. Marriage. Ever.

4. PEARLS

So, the general consensus from men who know me is that I give off a slutty vibe. Basically, when they first meet me, they think I'm a girlscout who's willing to sell her cookies for a good bargain. Mmmm, Thinmints. I digress. So, yeah, the slutty vibe. The worst part is that it must be such a downer for men who think they are going to get my box of cookies and I leave them with "Sorry, the season is over." I have learned that the best way to fix my "slut-problem" is pearls. Yep. Oyster boobies. Pearls are the classic jewlery. They just scream 1950's virgin. So, if you make a little Lauren cocktail and throw in some pearls, the slut vibe is out the door. Pearl wearing girl scout say what?

5. CHEESE

I do not understand people who do not like cheese. They might as well be Ikea directions in farsi. How can you not like the milky deliciousness of curdled cow milk. Mmmmmm! Yep. Cheese is definitely something else I would marry. Perfect. Marriage. Ohhhhhh! Genius idea. Put the cheese in the Ziploc baggy and get the best of both worlds Hannah Montana style.

6. DOWN COMFORTER

Me, a young, warm-blooded creature, who likes to sleep on clouds in my free time. You, a sexy, fluffy cloud of heaven. Me + You = Heavenly nights of Lauren wrapped in cloth stuffed with chicken feathers. Mmmmm.

7. Vanilla Secret Deoderant

I sweat. No. Not dainty "Ooooh, look at me, I was jogging for an hour and one drop of sweat popped out of my forehead pore." I sweat an Olson twin when I do anything active. But, the one thing I can be greatful for is that when I do sweat (all the time, ahem) at least I smell like a pink starburst! Yep. Be jealous.

8. ROLLEY BACKPACK, SAY WHAT?!

My rolley backpack is quite possibly the most awesome thing on this planet. Yes, one wheel does make a shuffling sound. Yes, the other wheel makes a kur-plunk sound. But my RB gives me status. I am "that" girl with the rolley. The rolls. I represent my crew hardcore. I'm an RB Gangsta. What now, biatch?

It also really helps with my poor posture. Jus say'n! Shoot.