How I Will Ruin My Credit Score Beyond Repair

I am a sucker for a good deal. Or a bad deal. Or pretty much anything that makes me think I am getting something for free. For instance, it seriously takes so much strength to not take food from other peoples room service carts. C'mon, there was a whole UNTOUCHED pancake left...perfectly okay. Free pancake for a 50% chance of getting a most likely curable disease. Worth it.

Just begging me to eat it.

Another wonderful example is my arch nemesis Target, which hits me where it hurts (left boob) every time. Target has this awesome program where you get a $5 gift card when you purchase far too much of one crappy product. Today I bought 4 deoderants, 8 boxes of tampons, and 6 packages of soap, just to get $5 back. I looked like the girl who always has her period and has HORRIBLE body odor because my woman hormones are all Randy Quaid crazy. Stop giving me the stank eye Kimberly the Cashier. I do what I want.

However, I have found my kryptonite; the thing that is going to make me curl up into a ball and sing Celine Dion songs until my ears bleed. Chase Freedom. A credit card with a cash back and bonus point program. Freedom my fat dimply ass. This credit card is something that I like to call plastic death or compare to that time I thought I was buying a really awesome antique table on e-bay only to be delivered a small box with dollhouse furniture. Buries head in shame. ALL I WANT TO DO IS EARN POINTS. I am obsessed. I have researched the products that give me double, triple and quadruple points and cannot stop. My heart is palpatating just thinking about earning more points.

Picture not true to size. For reals, homeboi.

Basically, I ordered subscriptions to magazines I never heard of (did you know there are magazines about knitting?), had flowers delivered to myself and purchased MORE tampons from drugstore.com because they give me more points. Soooooooo, I spent $400 thus far just so I can earn, wait for it, waaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiit for it, 1,500 points or the equivalent of $15 dollars towards a flight.

Winner winner chicken dinner, bitches.