How To Be Famous. No Really.

After spending hours reading gossip columns and watching E! True Hollywood Story, I have learned the secret to being famous. No, it's not giving out BJ's like it's Halloween candy or getting breast implants. Mmmm, I want chicken. Sorry, the term breast implants makes me think of chicken and then I get hungry. But I digress. So, the secret to being famous:

1. You sang in front of the mirror.

But, Lauren, this is far too simple? Sit down Kanye and I will explain. Whenever a celebrity is asked "How did you know you wanted to be a singer/actor/dildo?" the celebrity answers with "I knew because I danced and sang in front of my mirror." Really? That's amazing because I knew I wanted to be a lawyer when I started filing pretend motions in front of the mirror. Weird. Sorry to crush your dreams Taylor Swift but every child sings to a mirror audience. It's like a childhood requirement, along with peeing your pants and eating your boogers.

2. You were a nerd.

Ever notice how celebrities were NOT cool until they became famous??? "Did you have a lot of friends in high school? No, the kids used to pick on me. " Newsflash, they didn't pick on you because you were a nerd they picked on you because you were a total whore nipple. So, why don't you go cry in your pretty corner Scarlett Johanson, while the real nerds continue dressing like cracked out Carebears and setting curves.

3. You were ugly.

ALL celebrities were ugly before they were famous. They were so hideous they belonged on Rock of Love instead of in movies. Then, one day, Jake Gyllenhaal, Brad Pitt, and Jessica Biel bumped into Jesus and asked him to fix their faces. ALAKAZAM! And then they were pretty. Yep, that's exactly how it happened...in their drug induced dreams. Celebrities are always trying to relate to real people by saying they used to be ugly. You know what I have to say to that? What the effing shit? It makes me really happy to know that in order to relate you have to be ugly like the rest of us. Go ingest some more botox, dicks.

4. You lived in your car.

Oooooh, look at me! I was sooooo poor that I had to live in my car. Now I have miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiillions of dollars that I spend on Evian baths, gold-flaked ice cream, and diamond encrusted toilets because everyone should take sparkly poops.

5. You have mommy/daddy issues.

My dad wasn't around, my mom is Sarah Palin, wah wah wah. Sad. Good thing you have a money to spend on legit psychotherapy from Dr. Drew or Phil.

If you find that you fulfill the above, you are pretty much guaranteed stardom and free sex from hookers. Jus sayin, Charlie Sheen.