Will You Accept This Rose? DUH!

DUN DA DA DUN!!! IT'S BACHELOR TIME. There are three ways to turn me into a giddy school girl. Two of them involve massive quantities of food eaten in a horrifically short amount of time while drinking alcohol out of my bra (http://weirdnews.about.com/od/weirdphotos/ig/Strange-New-Products.-0F7/Wine-Rack-Bra.htm) and the third involves an ego-maniac whose ego I would like to stroke after a ten minute montage of our six week whirlwind romance.

That's me and Jake. He fell in love with my delicate features and girlish charm.

TV does not get any better than ABC's The Bachelor. Everything that is good in the world makes that show. It's like God took a big pot, threw in Christmas, Rainbows, and dumbass posters of babies dressed as flowers or donkey's, and out came the most perfect show in the world. The Bachelor has a montage of a man doing push-ups, then running on the beach, then talking about his feelings, then taking his shirt off, then looking into the distance pensively, within the first 5 minutes of the show. Did you read how many times I had to use the word "then" in that sentence? FOUR! That's what you call "crap your pants" good.

Last night's premiere DID NOT disappoint, I mean, if that was even possible.The new bachelor is actually the old bachelor who left the two train-wrecked hoes at the altar. Homeboy was obviously waiting for me. Ahem. Personally, I wouldn't have picked them either but after his douchey stunt, every woman in America probably wanted to hunt down Brad Womack to tar and feather his ass. I mean he left Jenny and Deanna (did you really think I wouldn't remember their names?) at the altar because he was not ready for a "relationship." I call it "not ready for a relationship because he was hoping to get more va-jay-jay than Tiger Woods" after being on TV.  WRONG.

Hence, he is back on the show to "reclaim" his dignity through MULTIPLE scenes of him stating how he is a changed man because he saw a psychologist and got rid of his daddy issues. Seriously, the 2-hour premiere consisted of at least one hour of whining about daddy, which is not a huge change from the norm but I REALLY DON'T CARE. The only thing I am interested in is which psycho girl who is 200 marbles shy of sanity he is going to choose.

All of the women were soooooooooooooooooooo worried about whether he would pick a winner this time...woe is me. I wonder if they realize that they are on television competing against 29 other ladies for one man's affection? I would not risk my reputation for those odds...okay, I would. These ladies get all "Flava Flave" up in your grill crazy. One minute she's a sweet little southern belle from Louisiana and then she's Britney Spears shave my head psycho.

I love this show and I really don't know where I was going with this post other than to admit that I watch crap TV, which you already know. Whatevs.